[First lines of the series]
Oh, my God! Why are you shaking your nalgas for the whole world to see?
I'm connecting with other women who have daddy issues.
Oh, I'm sure you'll connect with some daddies on there too.
S1 E1Pilot
No domestic beer for you, Oscar. My best friend deserves only the best imported.
OOscar
Thanks, man. Hey, you know what would be even better, though?
If we were high.
OOscar
How'd you know I was gonna say that?
'Cause you said the same thing this morning, then we got high.
OOscar
Hey, take it easy. Some of us are high.
Sorry, there's an entitled white lady at work.
OOscar
Just one?
One is all you need to ground a Delta flight.
She treats us all like crap.
Sounds like you need to show her the Lopez way.
Please, don't start.
It's a foolproof method. It's even how your mom and I fell in love. On our first date, we made the waiter cry.
That's not something to be proud of.
[Mayan Lopez destroys the wall with a hammer.]
Freaking bitches! (breathing heavily)
Wow!
Oh, man. I didn't know I had that in me. I guess I got that from you.
You didn't get that throwing the hammer down thing from me. You got it from your mom. Ta loca. I'm scared of you. Put that in the truck.
S1 E2Lopez vs Anxiety
I'm not about to get kidnapped and sex trafficked. I don't think there's a market in sex trafficking for some viejita with bunions.
We have those, and we use them on Wednesdays between Chicago Med and Chicago Fire.
S1 E3Lopez vs Español
Moving is pretty self-explanatory, but I got one rule. If you break something, go full Shaggy.
How do you have a 5-star Yelp rating?
If you give Oscar enough Adderall, he can write a lot of reviews. Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?
Are those guys new hires? I don't recognize them.
They're both so fluent in Spanish. It reminds me of "me". But they speak English, too, right?
No, the only thing they know in English is "It wasn't me!".
Fine. I'm going to play with my toys in English!
S1 E4Lopez vs Birthdays
It has a motor, fool. Where'd you even blow into?
Before you start blowing anything up, we should check with Chance to see if this is what he really wants. I'm sure he wants a bug party. Like, he's so excited that he started his own bug collection, and now I have to burn his sheets.
Oh, those ants are my fault. I keep hot dogs under the bed. Why do you think I'm never hung over?
Chance!
I've got a bounce house! This party's about to be lit!
But what about the bugs?!
They're dead! They'll still be dead next week!
Guess he's okay with it. Wanna see a live chicken? Say hello to Hennifer Lopez!
Whoa!
Don't get too attached.
S1 E5Lopez vs Gaslighting
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's there to hear it, it's still in the woods. It's just laying there sleeping it off.
Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!
You don't miss being the coach?
S1 E6Lopez vs Christmas
Oh, that must be the rest of our guests.
What are you talking about?
Well, Rosie doesn't feel like it's a real Latino Christmas unless there's at least 10 family members.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lopez vs Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.