'Course I do. I'm Latino. I believe in ghosts, Raider Nation, and that Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer. You don't?
Quentin's a nonbeliever.
S1 E7Lopez vs Ghosts
I shouldn't be in here. This is all your fault. What do you want from me, old woman? Oh, I'm sorry. Let me speak to you in your native tongue.
DDolores
You are always wrong, baboso. Actually, it's more like this.
S1 E8Lopez vs Pride
So, Doctor, if Churro needs one tranquilizer, she weighs 10 pounds. How much would a dog need that weighed, like, 200 pounds? Like, 20?
Can you believe Mayan? Complaining that I never tell her I'm proud of her. I must have said it one time behind her back accidentally. That's gotta count for something.
S1 E9Lopez vs Van Bryan
[first lines]
Wow. This place is so clean.
All right. This has got to work. I'm gonna text Sam pretending to be a hot lady. "Hey, big guy. Saw your pics, and I think you're hot AF. Want to meet up?". And then we send a picture of her hot pocket.
Well, maybe he's got other priorities, like spending time with his kid.
S1 E10Lopez vs Los Doyers
So now we're short a player for our fantasy baseball league. I swear, some people only think of themselves!
But what about Quinten? He likes sports and he never thinks about himself.
This is fantasy baseball, Mayan, and none of my fantasies include Quinten.
S1 E11Lopez vs Neighbors
[first lines]
Gonna meet the new neighbors. I made them guacamole using avocados from their tree that hangs over our fence.
I'd love to go.
Oh, you wanna welcome them to the neighborhood too?
Yeah, I'd like to welcome them to leave.
S1 E12Lopez vs Appropriation
Okay, Gordo, since you couldn't go to real Farm Camp, I give you La Vaca Flaca!
Honestly, I'm fine with the store-bought milk.
Well, I'm not. So put your hands on those chichis, and let's get to squeezing.
S1 E13Lopez vs Second Chances
[first lines]
Can you please turn those pages quieter? I'm trying to watch TV.
You just had to come and spy on me so you could tell Mayan every little thing I did wrong!
Well, this has been quite a... What do you call it? Gas. But my family's probably starting to worry, so I should go.
S1 E14Lopez vs Work
[first lines]
Okay, don't tell Quinten we're celebrating his new promotion by taking him out to a fancy steak dinner. At Panda Express. He's only part-time assistant manager.
Work is important, but so is self-care.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lopez vs Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.