You know what I was thinking, Johnny Jon?
JonOh, I don’t know, Honey Han. Um, why, uh, butterflies called butterflies are not margarine flies?
No. I wasn’t thinking that.
Jon
Well, I don’t know then.
I was thinking the trouble with Los Angeles is that is so big. Nobody notices ya. I mean look at them ants. (pointing to the ants on the floor) They’re the equivalent of us in Los Angeles. They’re insignificant.
(groaning then clearing his throat)
How do you know what he’s saying?
Well, I’ve been studying Bradley speak. It’s a little like Japanese but without the words.
I guess that means “I’ll see you later?”
No. He was just clearing his throat.
Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.
Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.
AAll
Somebody at the door!
I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.
Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.
Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.
Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.
Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!
Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)
Um, where are my trainers?!
I can’t go out looking like this!
Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!
Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?
I can see them. They stand out like a mile.
I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.
There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.
Jon
You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.
Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.
Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?
Um, um, to get some ant killer.
Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…
Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.
But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!
I think they got caught behind.
Look, this is stupid. We keep running out and our landlady every time wrenched you.
We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.
Jon
Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.
ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.
Heh. Why not? (chuckles and eats the camera)
So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.
Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.
Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.
No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.
Jon
Is it?
Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?
Jon
Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.
Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.
That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)
Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!
Jon
So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?
Do I have to wear that on my head?
No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.
Jon
Brad, you have to be a policeman.
Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?
Jon
Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.
Any other questions, guys?
Jon
Okay, so this is the S Club Movie. Take 1!
Jon
And action!
Okay, Jo. You know what we’ve got to do.
Sure. We’re going hard. We get the money and we get out if anyone stands in our way, we take them out.
Well, you said we take them out. Where do we take them? Do we take them to restaurant or something?
No, Rach! We take them out! We kill them.
Oh, Jo. I don’t think we should hurt them.
So what should we do then?
Well, you know, shout at them or something.
You mean call them names.
Yes! Call them names till they give us the money.
Jon
Okay. (to Jo and Rachel) Once more with feeling!
Yeah. Rachel’s a bit shiny as well.
Jon
Mmm.
Jon
I’ve been assigned as your new partner.
I don’t work with partners.
Jon
You do now, McIntosh.
Listen up. I work alone, alright? I had a partner once.
Jon
Yeah, and what happened?
I don’t wanna talk about it.
Jon
Do you wanna talk about it?
Jon
Look, the D.A. seems to think that you could use a little help on this case about catching those bank robbers.
Listen up, Lee. I don’t need your help! Alright?
Jon
I knew a guy that said that once.
Yeah. What happened to him?
Jon
I don’t want to talk about it.
You wanna to talk about it?
Jon
No.
So what do you wanna talk about?
Oh! Look! There they are!
Jon
Go, go, go!
That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!
Jon
You’re going down for 3 to 5!
Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)
Jon
Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.
Well, we have got some more take left.
Jon
So, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?
Jon
You alright?
No. You really hurt my arm.
Jon
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.
So, where should we go tonight then?
Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.
You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.
Jon
Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?
What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.
No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.
Jon
Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?
Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?
Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.
Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?
No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.
Great. So where are we going?
Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.
Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…
You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.
No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.
Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.
Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.
I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.
Jon
Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.
So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.
Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.
No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?
We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.
What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?
Jon
Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.
Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.
So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?
Jon
What’s happened?
The lights have come out.
Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.
Jon
Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.
Your hair always looks like straw.
Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.
Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!
Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.
Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.
What is going on down here?
Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.
Jon
I have a strange feeling. She will find out.
I can’t even see to sit down.
Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.
Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.
What’s that noise coming from outside?
1N1st Neighbor
What’s going on? My lights have blown!
2N2nd Neighbor
So are mine.
I’m really sorry, but I think… I think it was us that blew the lights.
2N2nd Neighbor
Oh, great. It was the Brits.
1N1st Neighbor
Oh! I might have known.
2N2nd Neighbor
Well, let’s gang up on them. Throw them out.
1N1st Neighbor
Yeah. We did it in 1776 and we can do it again.
Hold on. You just wait a minute. If it’s our fault, we’ll fix it. Alright?
See? Wally will repair it! Everybody knows Wally. Wally’s a qualified electrician. You are qualified, aren’t you, Wal?
So, Wally will repair it and there’ll be no need to tell Joni that we blew out her entire building. Deal?
2N2nd Neighbor
All right.
Jon
Well, I’m glad to see it’s all been sorted out.
WWally
Uh, not really. We haven’t worked out my fee.
Oh, yes. Your fee. Okay, Wally, come on. Give us a wall park figure.
WWally
Well, rewiring an entire building, replacing dozens of junction boxes, scores of power points. It’s a big job. It’s a very big job. I’d say conservative estimate. 90,000,000.
Jon
Well, there’s our resume copied.
I need those our obscure… (bumping into Jo) Oh. Oh. I’m sorry.
Gee. May I help you? This is my fault.
Sorry. I’m not normally such a muffin.
Hey. You’re English, right?
Jon
Yeah. Yeah we are.
And you’re looking for work. Then I may have the thing for you. Come with me.
Jon
A radio station. You want us to work in a radio station.
I’m Jerry Parker, program director here at KWOW. We are looking to expand into a younger demographic without losing our present audience and I think you could be just a presenters we’re looking for.
Jon
Oh, we are, w-we’re exactly what you’re looking for.
Great. And you’re being British you’ll retain the sophisticated image we want at this station.
Oh, yeah. We’re well sophisticated.
Jon
Yeah. You know, p-pip old fruit.
(chuckles) Now you’re British so I needn’t ask you this question. But you are familiar with the popular classics, right?
Jon
Oh, yeah. The popular classics. You know, Status Quo. Level 42. Right Said Fred.
Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Kajagoogoo.
Good one! Now, I was thinking more Elgar, William Walton, some Beethoven.
Jon
Oh, those popular classics! Right.
That won’t be a problem, will it?
Jon
For us? Oh, no, no, no. We’re British old man. You know, classical music is our heritage. It’s our lifeblood. You know, we grew up listening to Beethoven’s 1812 in our cribs.
Jon
No, no, no, no. It’s absolutely true.
Jon
Jo, shut up. I can bluff this guy. I do know a bit about classical music, you know.
It was Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.
Jon
That’s what I meant.
Personally, I’ve always preferred his Romeo and Juliet the symphonic version, naturally. The ballet version was a bit too superficial for my taste.
Jon
What?
Exactly. So, so, you enjoy the Russian composers.
I quite like the riot spring, though. I always did say Leon Trotsky goes a long, long way.
Oh, then you’ll fit right in here, so can you start tomorrow say 11am?
Ah, excellent. Excuse me.
Jon
What just happened?
My dad was a classical music, nutter. He used to have his own used record store down the rock for market. I could bals before I could walk, Jon.
Jon
You kept that quiet.
Not so much quiet. More pan simmer.
Jon
Now you’re just showing off.
Jon
Guys, we could easily raise this money if we can all just keep our jobs for one more week.
I can’t believe I got fired.
Fired? But you only got the job 3 days ago.
Mmm. I know. But it doesn’t matter, because I got a new job. Yeah. You know you are now looking at… (He shows them a green suit) Bradley McIntosh valet.
You mean polishing silvers and ironing newspapers and stuff?
No. Not that kind of valet. I’m the kind of valet who parks cars and I’m working at the new cafe goffi down at Santa Monica Boulevard.
So, why did the cinema fire you?
Over conduct oncoming an aser. Can you believe they stripped me on my blazer and my torch in front of all the other rushes and everything?
I told you to stop snogging Donna the projectionist, you muffin.
Yeah, but it wasn’t the snogging. They objected to me. It was the fact, it made Donna put the rose on in the wrong order. But mind you, it’s the first time Titanic’s about the happy ending. (giggles)
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
