I thought if I want to be a counsellor. I just think they’re great at solving up in problems.
No. Just causing them.
Bradley, it’s not that kind of counsellor. It’s just there were for the people who look after the foods at summer camp. It’s like being red coat at Butlins.
Yeah, but without the red coat.
Oh, that’s the shame. But he’s really looking good on me at the moment.
Gotta be worth a phone call.
Yeah, absolutely. Has anyone got a quarter?
(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”
Blimey, you can say that again, mate.
No, I don’t think I can actually.
What does it mean?
Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.
I thought I recognized it from somewhere.
I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?
Where are the tents?
Or the shower blocks?
Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.
Or the cheese.
Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.
I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.
It looks more like a university than a kids camp.
This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.
No, no, no. Of course not.
You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?
Yeah, like I would.
Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.
Or they guy dog.
I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.
No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.
Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.
Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.
Didn’t I say “I love weird?”
Where is everybody?
In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.
Lectures?
Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.
Oh, biology. Nice!
No. Astrophysics.
Of course! Astrophysics.
Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.
Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.
Welcome to clever camp.
Oh, right. What?
Okay. Soak him.
All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.
Yeah, but Oxford?
All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.
Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.
Did I say that would graduate it?
Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!
Forget soaking. Drowning!
Look, look. I can explain!
Go on then. Explain.
You’re right. I can’t.
Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.
Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.
Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.
On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.
Which is proof enough as it proved indeed were needed, that music does not only feed the soul. It could also feed the entire population of China. Maybe that’s why the first tune most of us ever learned to play on the piano is chopsticks. (laughs) So, without further ado, please welcome some new recruits to the staff with a world premiere of a brand-new orchestral entitled…
…the panic symphony in E-flat minor at 250 beats per minute, boys and girls, the S Club awesome!
Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.
Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.
Yeah, or phone your friend.
Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?
What?
It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beazley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.
She’s right.
Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.
Hmm. How are we gonna do that?
Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.
And here it comes!
What?
Ooh, ooh-ooh
Love train, waiting for the love train
Love train, waiting for the love train
Been working so hard for so long (ooh)
I think it’s time I should be moving on (ooh)
I’m gonna do the right thing (your baby’s calling you)
I’m gonna do the right thing (show that your love is true)
You know that it’s the best thing (you know just what to do)
I’ve got myself a one way ticket and I’m coming home
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Making my way back to you, baby
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Cruising my way back to my baby’s arms
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Making my way back to you, baby (my way back to you, baby)
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Cruising my way back where my baby’s arms are waiting for me
Don’t stop, keep moving, I don’t want to get off
No, no, no
Till I reach my baby in the tunnel of love
I’m gonna do the right thing (follow you anywhere)
I know that it’s the right thing (show just how much you care)
Ooh, you make my heart sing (hang on and I’ll be there)
I’ve got myself a one way ticket and I’m coming home
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Making my way back to you, baby
Riding on a love train (ooh)
Cruising my way back where my baby’s arms are waiting for me
Ooh, ooh-ooh
Love train, waiting for the love train
Love train, waiting for the love train
Love train, waiting for the love train
Love train, waiting for the love train
Love train
Making my way back to you, baby (my way back to you, baby)
Riding on a love train (love train)
Cruising my way back to my baby’s arms (my way back to you, baby)
Riding on a love train (riding on a love train)
Making my way back to you, baby
Riding on a love train
STOP!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
Have you all gone stark staring mad? What do you think you’re doing?
Well, we’re just having a laugh.
A laugh, and that’s funny, is it? Taking some of the finest young minds in the country and setting them to work on strategies for throwing flour around the kitchen.
Yeah. What strategies?
Look. Just chill out a bit, mate. I mean what is your problem? They were just having a bit of fun for once. That’s what kids do.
Fun. You call that fun. Throwing paint in each other’s hair. What’s the point in that?
There isn’t one?
And that’s the point.
I think you should all leave now, before you do any more damage.
Damage? Professor Beazley, did you see those kids’ faces? They were happy. They were really happy and why was that? Because for the first time in their entire life, they were, they were having fun. They were being kids. They were being funny, clever, inquisitive, smelly, messy kids. Now, do you understand what we’re trying to say here or do you want it in Latin first?
Come on. Let’s go.
Nice one. You’re almost forgiven. (kissing Paul’s cheek)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's L.A. 7 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
