Hannah quotes from L.A. 7

Okay. Wouldn’t say anything. I’m just gonna play it cool.

RRick

Hey, Tina. What’s up?

Um, I’m going to a party tonight. Do you wanna come?

RRick

Yeah. Sure.

Hannah

Nice one, Teen. That was really cool.

House Sitting

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AAll

Yay!

How are you doing, Paul?

RRick

Hi. I’m a friend of Tina’s. I uh… I brought some friends.

M1Man #1

Party!

M2Man #2

Let’s party!

Hannah

I don’t know whether that was such a good idea, Teen.

Ooh, be careful of the…

RGRich Girl

Hi. I’m a friend of Bradley’s. Bradley, I brought some friends. I hope you don’t mind.

Why does everyone have to keep saying that?

House Sitting

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Oh, he fancied this bike, really?

(sighs) Look at the mess. This is bad. We’re dead.

Dead as doornails.

Hannah

Guys, we better tidy up.

Hannah

Before five?

But what kind of music do you like at your funeral?

House Sitting

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DDebi

Oh my god! He is! (She faints)

RSRock Star

You the house sitters?

HJHannah, Jon, Tina and Bradley

They are!

Are?

RSRock Star

What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?

RSRock Star

I said what do I find?

A scene of complete devastation?

RSRock Star

Exactly!

Hannah

This one isn’t broken?

RSRock Star

My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!

What, again?

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You ready, Brad?

I am indeed, bro.

Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?

Alright.

You’re moving closer so I can see your face.

(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!

Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.

Brad, just drop the card.

Okay. Excellent.

(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)

Hannah

Yes? Can I help you?

Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?

Hannah

Bog off, Paul.

Fair enough.

The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.

Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.

So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.

Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.

Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.

Just treat me like I’m not here.

That’d be easier when you’re gone.

Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?

Go away.

Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?

Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.

No. That’s just irritating.

I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.

Well, go film something else then.

Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.

Cool.

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WOWoman on TV

Why do you think this guy killed you?

Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.

Hannah

Okay.

It’s the first day of my job down there.

Hannah

Go.

WOWoman on TV

She was pushed!

I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.

Hannah

Okay.

WOWoman on TV

(weeping)

Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.

Hannah

Gotcha.

You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.

WOWoman on TV

Let me get you something…

Hannah

I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.

(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!

Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?

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I couldn’t eat another thing.

Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?

Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.

And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.

So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hannah

With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.

See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.

Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.

Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?

Hannah

No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?

Oh, no.

Hannah

Aye-aye, sexy!

Oh, my diddy!

Hannah

Strike a pose! How do you do?

Whoo!

And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.

Hi.

AAll

Hi there.

So, how was it?

Hannah

Did you get the photos developed?

No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.

It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.

Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.

AAll

Ooh!

Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.

AAll

Ooh!

Jo, can I have a sip of your water?

Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.

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PDPizza Delivery Lady

Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

With extra everything?

PDPizza Delivery Lady

Uh-huh.

Thanks.

PDPizza Delivery Lady

Enjoy your meal.

Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Yeah, of extinction.

No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…

That sounds really boring.

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.

What are you trying to say?

Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?

Ryan.

JTJo, Tina and Hannah

Ryan?

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Use your arm part. Use your arms. Get your back straight.

Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.

Actually, I started that for him.

RHRachel and Hannah

Oh.

Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.

He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.

Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.

Hannah

It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.

Monkeys?

Hannah

Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.

Their bananas.

Hannah

Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.

So I’m dating a big monkey.

Hannah

Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.

A jungle VIP.

Hannah

Mhm.

Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?

That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.

What odds are they offering on Ryan?

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Hannah

It’s quite a crowd.

Yeah, look at them. Animals baying for blood turning up just cos they want to see a bit of pain and suffering. (to the woman) Amish! You’re in my seat.

ZZak

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Muscle Beach, and to the match, they’re already calling The Clash of the Titans.

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ZZak

After our match, be sure and join us on the beach for our winners’ protein drink party and you’re all invited. Now, without further ado, please welcome our sixth time Southern California armed wrestling champion, Ryan Sinclair!

Hannah

(calling out loud to him)

Hi, Mr. Sinclair. I’m your director for today. I’m just gonna go around, take a few shots of making a short documentary about one man’s fight for truth and justice.

Cool. Can you get me from my right side? It’s…my better angle.

Okay. (He goes onto Ryan’s right side) Yeah! Getting a real Tom Cruise vibe from this side.

Yeah, a lot of people have said that.

ZZak

And now, let’s, uh, welcome our contender the limey with the funny haircut, Jon. Somebody or other.

Go, Jon, GO!

Destroy him!

Hannah

Go on, sexy!

ZZak

Defence, be seated.

Jon, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.

I seriously doubt that. (He puts his hand on Ryan’s hand)

ZZak

Let the battle commence!

(panting)

Hey, is he getting a close-up?

Maybe.

Well, if he gets one, I want one too. Get that camera back over with.

Yes, sir.

Hey, is it a big close-up?

It’s pretty big.

Get it closer. Come on! Get my face on that screen. Closer!

But…

Closer!

But!

Closer… (Paul hits his eye) Ow!

I can’t see through the viewfinder like this. It’s really small.

Yay! Yes! I won! Yes! Come one! (Girls come to Jon) Who wants a piece of me?!

I do.

You’ve had your chance. Yes!

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(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.

Hannah

Yeah, Paul.

Yeah, Bradley.

Yeah, Joanne.

I’m not doing it. I always do it.

Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?

Hannah

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.

Hannah

It’s Paul’s turn!

No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!

Hannah

It was my turn last week.

Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.

Hannah

Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!

I didn’t get a job.

Nor did I.

What’s up with him?

Must be his pose playing up again.

Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.

What does the exotic dancer?

No. As a model.

Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.

I did.

You?

Yes.

You.

Yes.

You.

Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.

Must have very hidden.

Oh, don’t be nasty.

So who are you modelling for?

Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.

Oh, well done!

Thank you.

Well done.

Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.

Yeah, me too.

Hannah

What job are you going for?

Buddy’s Burger Bar.

I’m going for that one.

I saw it first.

No, you didn’t! You know I did.

Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!

Oh, what?! I ain’t!

Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.

You had better have to be.

Wow.

Fall Out

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Well, what do you think?

Mmm.

I’m trying to look as if I haven’t tried.

You might have to try a bit harder.

Do a pose.

Try and look a bit more relaxed.

Relaxed but… cheeky.

Hannah

Now go for happy yet quizzical.

Now, quizzical yet somehow yearning.

Playful yet… deep.

Sad but… cheerful.

Now try to look like a complete muffin.

AAll

THAT’S IT!

Hannah

Excellent!

You’re definitely getting better.

But, you know, every different style of clothing has a different style of pose.

Really?

Just take this and come back when you practice.

Fall Out

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Oh, there we are. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Hannah

Hi, Joni.

Hi, Joni.

Hi, Joni.

Hi, Joni.

Wait till I tell all my friends, I know the S Club 7. A bunch of kids who lay around and don’t tidy up after themselves. Very impressive.

Hannah

We are gonna tidy up.

We just need to decide whose turn it is.

Well, then what you guys need is a cleaning schedule.

I said that.

But we couldn’t decide whose turn it was to write the cleaning shed-yule.

Shall I tell you what one of the most important rules of show business is?

What’s that?

Knowing when to give up?

What do you mean?

Well, as far as I know you came to L.A. to find fame and fortune and unless it’s hiding under the dirty dishes in the kitchen. You haven’t found it.

Hannah

Yeah, if it’s early days yet.

Is it?

I think we’re making good progress.

Are you?

Yeah?

We are.

Hannah

Aren’t we?

Well, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you guys wanna keep this apartment, you had better keep it tidy…and pay your rent on time. (She hits the table) Because otherwise it’s gonna be a case of repossession, and I don’t wanna go through that again.

Fall Out

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Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Is everybody ready?

No. Wait.

No, no, no. Hold on.

Just in time.

Hannah

Oh! How did it go?

Horrible.

Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.

Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.

Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.

Okay. Is everybody ready?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Hannah

Yes.

But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…

Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Alright. Cheers, Jo.

Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?

AAll

Okay.

Okay, first one. Watch this.