Amy Gray quotes from Judging Amy

Amy

[about the woman who wanted Amy to perform her divorce ceremony] She chose me because you have a great rear end.

Bruce

Yes. I do.

What's an orgasm?

Amy

Oh, honey, I'm not sure if I remember anymore. I might have to look it up in a book.

Amy

I've seen you rant. You can't unring that bell.

Bruce

Would you like a list of things I've seen you do?

Maxine

Amy, you seem to be alright after walking in on your father and me.

Amy

That never happened.

Maxine

Then perhaps denial will work as well for Lauren as it has for you.

Peter

And you're way hotter than Charlayne, too.

Amy

Way hotter.

You want to open this door Amy?

Amy

Yeah.

You exist on 9 cups of coffee a day. You eat powdered sugar for breakfast. You drink like a European. And you have sex with people you don't care about.

Grandma, look. Your boyfriend's in the paper.

Maxine

Lauren, women my age don't have boyfriends. We have suitors and my ex-suitor is in China doing whatever the Mandarin term is for gallavanting.

Amy

She's right. Here he is.

Amy

I'll shred it first.

Maxine

You'd better.

Maxine

(to Amy) You want to know what your trouble is? It's always the same thing. It's why you got married when you knew it was a mistake, and it's why you slept with Lauren's karate teacher and God knows who else. You are afraid to be alone. You are. You get married 5 minutes after you graduated law school, and when you divorced Michael, you moved in here 5 minutes after that. And all of this hovering and scolding and policing and signing me up to walk with the New Age Hypochondriacs from Hell, is just another version of you being afraid to be alone. You're stuck to me like pine sap because you're afraid your Mommy's gonna die. You worry about my stress levels when the truth is half the stress in my life comes from you!

Amy

I think I should move out.

Maxine

I do too.

Maxine

I'd rather snort prune juice up my nose.

Amy

Well, you can do both.

Are you and Grandma fighting?

Amy

No.

Maxine

Yes!

She didn't like The Wise Women Walkers, did she?

Why are you cutting so many tethers in your life?

Amy

Because I feel tethered.

Maxine

Evidently melodrama has not skipped a generation as I had hoped.

Amy

You were taking apart her room? Couldn't you have waited until the corpse had cooled?

Maxine

See? Genetic melodrama.

Amy

If I told you I had two tickets to Spain, what would you say?

Bruce

When do we leave?

Amy

Is this a bad idea?

Bruce

Very bad.

Amy

You think I should pick one master?

Maxine

Well of course you're going to have to pick one. My suggestion is you choose the one that puts the sexual predator behind bars.

Amy

Any conviction of a misdemeanor and a sentence of less than a year and the INS cannot touch your son.

So, your honor is admitting that collateral consequences had an effect on your ruling.

Amy

Yes, my honor is admitting to that.