Amy Gray quotes from Judging Amy

Vincent

What's wrong with Katie?

Amy

Nothing, if you like perky, nubile teenagers.

Vincent

I think I'm gonna let that one pass.

Maxine

Amy? I brought you some chicken soup. How do you feel?

Amy

Horrible. I've been seeing things. It's like being on acid.

Amy

Not that I ever did acid. Uh, you know, I heard about it. Some of my friends told me. Listen, I think I need to go back to bed.

Bruce

Tell you what. You have a complete psychotic breakdown. I'll cover for you. I'll put on a robe and a wig... Come on. I'll walk you to your car. [she doesn't answer] Amy, I'll walk you to your car. Judge Gray?

Amy

No. It's okay.

Bruce

No, it's not. I'll walk you to your car.

Amy

Yeah, I was there when it happened.

I know. You told me to blow it up my butt.

Amy

I was hoping you wouldn't remember that part.

Amy

One day, I'm going to find a man who thinks I'm the meaning of life.

Maxine

Amy, don't be trippy. The best you can hope for is a man who doesn't think about the meaning of life when he's with you.

Bruce

Do you smell chlorine?

Amy

I went for a swim. For fitness.

Bruce

That would explain it.

Maxine

Is this what they call a high-class problem?

Amy

I guess so.

Maxine

Funny. Feels just like a regular one.

Amy

Why does this feel like it's a marriage?

Bruce

Because it is.

Amy

Without the obvious perks. [Bruce looks confused] You don't fix things around the house.

Amy

So, it's not like flirting.

Bruce

No, it's not like flirting.

Amy

Because priests don't flirt.

Bruce

Not if they like their jobs.

Amy

So, we're talking nada? No heavy petting, light petting...?

Bruce

Do I look like I want to be having this conversation?

Amy

You think you're cute, don't you?

Bruce

I am cute. Here. We're on the set up committee. So, set up.

Amy

Who's that?

Bruce

A friend. Where's your hair?

Amy

Where's yours?

Bruce

I have three rules. I don't lend money, I don't touch lettuce, I don't set people up.

Amy

You don't touch lettuce?

Bruce

It's cold, it's wet, it squeaks. I don't have to explain myself.

Amy

What's his deal?

Bruce

His 'deal' is his business. And I told you -

Amy

I know. You don't touch lettuce.

Amy

Tell me I never said the words 'sippy cup' while on the verge of tears.

Maxine

No, but you were an averagely nervous young mother, so try to understand what she's going through.

Amy

Why are you picking on me?

Maxine

Vincent's gone. I have to pick on somebody.

Amy

Hey, Kyle. That's not a Jaguar.

Kyle

No, it's not. But it has aspirations.