Maxine Gray quotes from Judging Amy

Grandma, look. Your boyfriend's in the paper.

Maxine

Lauren, women my age don't have boyfriends. We have suitors and my ex-suitor is in China doing whatever the Mandarin term is for gallavanting.

Amy

She's right. Here he is.

Amy

I'll shred it first.

Maxine

You'd better.

Maxine

I want to thank you, Sean. Your heart was in the right place.

Sean

The same thing can be said about my ass.

Maxine

(to Amy) You want to know what your trouble is? It's always the same thing. It's why you got married when you knew it was a mistake, and it's why you slept with Lauren's karate teacher and God knows who else. You are afraid to be alone. You are. You get married 5 minutes after you graduated law school, and when you divorced Michael, you moved in here 5 minutes after that. And all of this hovering and scolding and policing and signing me up to walk with the New Age Hypochondriacs from Hell, is just another version of you being afraid to be alone. You're stuck to me like pine sap because you're afraid your Mommy's gonna die. You worry about my stress levels when the truth is half the stress in my life comes from you!

Amy

I think I should move out.

Maxine

I do too.

Maxine

I'd rather snort prune juice up my nose.

Amy

Well, you can do both.

Are you and Grandma fighting?

Amy

No.

Maxine

Yes!

She didn't like The Wise Women Walkers, did she?

Kyle

That girl stole it. The one who died.

Maxine

I am sorry.

Kyle

How do you do it? How do you keep banging your head against the wall every single day without your skull caving in?

Maxine

Well I certainly have my share of headaches, but the wall has a few lumps as well.

Kyle

I work my ass off to get to these kids, to bring them in, let them know that it's going to be ok and then they're gone. They run away or they're dead. Well guess what? I'm done. I wil work at Teen Harbor but I am through with the chasing. If they want help they will come in, fill out the forms and they will ask. I'm through going after them, it's not worth it. No wonder I'm smoking so much.

Maxine

Well, I'm sure you know best. However at this moment you do not know best because if you did, you would shut up! And you would quit using feeling sorry for yourself as an excuse to smoke, and you would know that if you want absolute victories, then you should go back into medicine. We do what we can. We patch them up, send them out there and hope for the best. And we very seldom get it, but we keep going because what the hell else are we going to do?!?

Maxine

Evidently melodrama has not skipped a generation as I had hoped.

Amy

You were taking apart her room? Couldn't you have waited until the corpse had cooled?

Maxine

See? Genetic melodrama.

Maxine

I need to move this mattress.

Peter

You said it was an emergency!

Maxine

Okay, I really need to move this mattress?

Peter

I swear to God, if you do this to yourself, I'll have you committed.

Maxine

They don't do that anymore.

Peter

Mother, I'm in insurance. I have powers you can't even begin to comprehend. Try me.

Amy

You think I should pick one master?

Maxine

Well of course you're going to have to pick one. My suggestion is you choose the one that puts the sexual predator behind bars.

Jared

[holding up a bottle of wine to Maxine and Amy] Shall I decant this or is that just snooty?

Maxine

Well, a little bit of snoot never hurt anybody.

Maxine

[about Sally's current boyfriend] Isn't he gay?

Not any more!

Sean

So... you two know each other?

Maxine

That's very..observant of you, Sean.

Maxine

You must have a good plastic surgeon, because that nose looks almost real.

I should give you the number. [both laugh]

Do you buy suits for all of your charges or just the ones accused of murder?

Maxine

Are those my only options?

Pretty much.

Mom, you're being ridiculous. This is Peewee hockey. And besides, Grandma played field hockey in school. What's the difference?

Amy

The difference is that you fall on the field and get a grass stain, you fall on the ice and your head splits open...like a melon!

Maxine

They do wear helmets.

Amy

Hey Mom, this is between me and Lauren.