[Bertie is trying to convince a furious Tuppy Glossop that he's had no romantic intentions toward Angela Travers]
During that sojourn in Cannes, my affections were engaged elsewhere.
My affections. Engaged elsewhere, during that sojourn.
[angrily] Well, who was she?
My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name?
One does if one doesn't want one's ruddy head pulled off! [approaches menacingly]
Well, yes, right, yes, well, obviously this is a...a special case. Madeline Bassett.
[astonished] You're in love with that weird Gawd-help-us Bassett!?
Well, I don't think you should call her a weird Gawd-help-us, Tuppy. Odd in some of her views, perhaps. One does not quite see eye-to-eye with her in the matter of stars and bunny rabbits. But not a weird Gawd-help-us.
And you stick to it that you're in love with her?
It is not twenty-four hours since she turned me down.
Like a bedspread. In this very garden. So, you'll see, I can't be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you in Cannes.
Well, because your affections were engaged elsewhere...
Hmm, I see. All right then. Sorry to have troubled you.
So! It appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie.
ATAngela Travers
Quite right. We're in love.
Oh, come now, Angela. Gussie's... Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways. If you've got a sick newt on your hands, well, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half-hour in England's most densely populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without a general anesthetic.
ATAngela Travers
Well, I thought it would be fun!
Well, I'm surprised at you, young Angela. No wonder they say, "Oh, woman, woman!"
...Well, chaps, supposedly. You know you're potty about Tuppy!
ATAngela Travers
For goodness's sake, Bertie, go away and boil your head!
Well, now, Angela, if you'll permit me to observe…!
Very well, then. I shall say no more. [gets up to leave, then pauses in the doorway] Just... tinkety-tonk!
Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.
Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.
Very good, madam. [goes into Bertie's bedroom] Mrs. Travers, sir.
But, I thought I told you —
I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.
[a telegram comes while Bertie is in the bathtub]
You'd better read it, Jeeves.
Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.
Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.
There is that possibility, sir.
Have you got your telegraph pad handy?
Right. Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]
Bertie dictates a telegram to a post office employee
To Aunt Dahlia. Erm ... I say — look here, this is absolutely impossible. Er ... not to say, out of the question. Spode has already threatened yours truly. Uh ... sorry, and all that ... oh — about the cow creamer, I mean. Anyway, there it is. Toodle-pip, your affectionate nephew, Bertie.
POPost office employee
Is it a code?
Stiffy's dog attacks a police constable, who falls off his bike into a pond
[to the constable] What on earth did you do that for? You might've scared him out of his wits, hurling yourself about like that. [addressing the dog] Poor old Bartholomew!
POPC Oates
We must caution you, Miss Stephanie!
[talking to dog] Did the ugly man nearly squash him flat?
OOates
I was proceeding along a public highway when the dog leaped at me in a violent manner. I was hurled from my bicycle —
Well you shouldn't ride a bicycle. Bartholomew hates bicycles.
POPC Oates
I ride a bicycle, Miss, because if I didn't, I would have to cover my beat on foot!
Do you good! Get some of the fat off you.
[Bertie, in the background, hits his face with his palm]
POPC Oates
I will have to summons you once more, miss, for being in possession of a savage dog whilst not under proper control.
Don't be an ass, Oates. You can't expect a dog to pass up a policeman on a bicycle! It isn't human nature.
[they shake hands cordially]
SStinker
Bertie! Well, well, well!
I always wondered what became of you!
SStinker
I was wondering only the other day what had happened to you. Good heavens!
SStinker
Extraordinary thing!
SStinker
Well, well, well!
Absolutely amazing. Good heavens.
One has tried, one has failed! One can do no more.
Don't you try that "dying duck in a thunderstorm" stuff on me, young Bertie. You will get that cow creamer.
No — no, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I have tried! I've been threatened with a shotgun, and Roderick Spode says that if I try again, he will beat me to a jelly.
What do you mean "yes, go on"? You wouldn't want your favorite nephew to be beaten to a jelly, now would you?
[at the Junior Ganymede Club for gentlemen's gentlemen]
V1Valet #1
Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.
[the others murmur in agreement]
V2Valet #2
They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name!
V1Valet #1
Well, one tries to be tactful, of course, but one is simply swimming against the tide. I blame their parents. How's yours now, Jeeves?
Oh, really quite promising. I always suspected I could make something of him, and such is proving to be the case.
VAValet at the head of the table
But you want to see the book, don't you?
I'm not considering another gentleman. This is quite another matter.
VAValet at the head of the table
The book for Mr. Jeeves, if you please.
V3Valet #3
Well, I must say mine is coming along very nicely, very nicely indeed. You remember I had to be quite severe with him about wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? [the others smile and shake their heads] Good as gold now, good as gold.
[taking the book] Ah, thank you.
V1Valet #1
I'm really quite concerned about this first-name business.
VAValet at the head of the table
I think they pick it up from the cinema.
V1Valet #1
Why don't you try not answering when he calls you by the wrong name?
V2Valet #2
Oh, I don't think I could carry that off. One doesn't like to hurt their feelings, does one?
