TV show quotes
The boy is a flyer, sir.
How do you know?
I happened to be pursuing him this morning with a view to fetching him a clip on the side of the head.
Great Scott, Jeeves! You?
The lad is of an outspoken disposition, sir, and had made an opprobrious remark respecting my appearance.
What did he say about your appearance?
[coldly] I do not recall, sir. But it was opprobrious.
You know what Kipling said. The f. of the s. is much more d. than the m.
[waking him up] Good morning, Mr. Wooster.
What? What's the time?
Ten past nine, sir.
[irritated] Ten past nine!? Is the building on fire?
Not that I've been informed, sir, no.
I can't understand Gussie Fink-Nottle being in London, Jeeves. Till now he's always remained glued to the country, completely surrounded by newts.
Sir?
[speaking to doorman] Morning, Jarvis. [turning again to Jeeves] Newts. You know, Jeeves, those little lizard-y things that charge about in ponds.
Ah, yes, sir. The aquatic members of the family Salamandridae that constitute the genus Molge.
Yes, they're the chaps.
[about Gussie's reported romantic interest in Madeline Bassett]
Well, I must confess, Jeeves, that until you supplied this information, I had definite doubts about Gussie's chances. But now, hope begins to dawn. He's just the sort of chap that Madeline Bassett might scoop up with a spoon.
This is indeed good news, sir.
I wouldn't go so far as to say she actually writes poetry, but when a girl suddenly asks you out of a clear blue sky if you don't think that the stars are "God's daisy chain," well, I mean, you do begin to wonder, Jeeves.
[clears throat] Indeed, sir.
[about the white mess jacket]
I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.
I will have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!
And wore it, sir?
Every night at the Casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye!
Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.
Aunt calling to aunt like mastodons bellowing across primeval swamps.
Tuppy, old man!
It's no good saying "Tuppy, old man"!
Well, I do say "Tuppy, old man"! One is... one is shocked; one raises the eyebrows! Where is the fine old chivalrous spirit of the Glossops?
Well, where is the sweet, gentle, womanly spirit of the Angelas? Telling a chap he's getting a double chin!
Now be fair, Tuppy. Remember the time you told her that new hat made her look like a Pekinese?
Yes, well. Did make her look like a Pekinese. But that wasn't vulgar abuse, just sound, constructive criticism.
[Bertie rolls his eyes]
Tut!
What did you say?
I said "tut!"
Say it again and I'll biff you where you stand. I have enough to endure without being tutted at.
Well, quite.
Any tutting that's required, I'll attend to myself.
Oh, Bertie, what a beautiful night!
[humouring her] Rather!
All the flowers have closed their eyes....
Really?
And all the little stars have woken up. [sees rabbits in the garden, not comprehending that they're only pottery figures] Oh, look! The little bunnies — how still they are!
Yes, yes, they are marvellously still, aren't they? Yes....
[following Gussie's utter failure to make a good impression with Madeline Bassett]
But how could anything go wrong? All he had to do was… propose.
So one would be disposed to imagine, sir. However, upon finding himself alone with the young lady, he confesses to having lost his nerve. In such circumstances, gentlemen frequently talk at random, sir, saying the first thing that chances to enter their head. This, in Mr. Fink-Nottle's case, would seem to have been the newt: its treatment in sickness and in health.
Bad, Jeeves.
Yes, sir.
And how long did he go on talking about newts?
According to Mr. Fink-Nottle, he supplied Miss Bassett with very full and complete information, sir.
Very bad, Jeeves.
Indeed, sir.
Mr. Wooster's residence... Where is Mr. Wooster? (Bertie shakes his head and waves his hand at him) He's not at home, sir... I'm Jeeves... What do you mean, "you think not?"... Oh! (he hangs up)
Well, who was it?
Jeeves.
Well, I don't think I'm going too far, Jeeves, when I say that this just about takes the giddy biscuit!
We have a duty to look after our ladies and gentlemen, Monsieur Anatole.
Look after?! Am I the nursie?! Am I the nursie for the kiddies?! No, this is not kiddies, no no no no no. Kiddies is nice. Kiddies is not stopping with the eats. Kiddies is not saying to other chap, "Poof! We not like you no more! We not eat your comestibles!"
Since time immemorial, Monsieur Anatole, it has fallen to the Gallic races to bring civilization to the rude northerly provinces of their empire.
Mmm-mm, is true. Anatole is civilian. Anatole is nice.
It hasn't always been easy; sometimes it has seemed impossible. But...
I was standing on Eden-Roc in Antibes last month, and a girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think that his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props ever issued to a human being. Well, I agreed that indeed they were and, for perhaps a couple of minutes, I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings. And guess what happened next.
I am agog to learn, sir.
A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl. She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about, and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus. By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that, so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
A most illuminating story, sir.
No, no, no, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves, you haven't had the payoff yet!
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! The structure of your tale deceived me, for a moment, into thinking that it was over.
No, no, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs. They'd had some minor disagreement the night before, but there they were the following night, dining together, their differences made up and the love light once more in their eyes. And I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.
I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
