[Bertie wakens with a terrific hangover]
Jeeves, I'm — I'm getting too old for all this. I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.
S4 E1Return to New York
[Claude and Eustace argue over Marion, a nightclub singer with whom they're both infatuated]
CClaude
Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour?
EEustace
Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion?
CClaude
Underhand? I like that! Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.
Never mind about the best man. What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.
In my experience, ladies who spell "Gwladys" with a "w" are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions.
This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
Approaching the perpendicular, sir.
[Bertie proposes kidnapping a small child to solve a problem]
I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.
[dismissively] What rot, Jeeves. We're only going to borrow him for an hour. In any case, there's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.
That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.
I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents of the child were brought together again by the tot in question.
Well, how?
If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"
"Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?
Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy pair in fond embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification.
[training the baby] No, you must say "kiss Tuppy"... I'm sorry, unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.
What about the money you owe me?
ASAlexander Slingsby
I don't owe you one goddamn red cent! My wife looked up your cockamamie soup in a cookbook!
It's Cock-a-Leekie! And my nanny never wrote a cookbook.
ASAlexander Slingsby
She didn't have to! It's in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok!
S4 E2The Once and Future Ex
NHNobby Hopwood
This isn't another idea for getting Clam and Uncle Percy together?
Absolutely! Yes, "the simplicity of genius" is a phrase you might find springing unbidden to your lips.
SCStilton Cheesewright
Don't "what ho" me. I know why you're in New York. You're here for a bit of snake-in-the-grassing.
Snake-in-the...?
SCStilton Cheesewright
Grassing!
[referring to Stilton] D'Arcy Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!
Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?
When I was in service with Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.
Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.
GCGeorge Caffyn
I fell asleep! I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.
What expressions?
GCGeorge Caffyn
I couldn't repeat 'em, not with gentlemen present.
S4 E3Bridegroom Wanted
[playing the piano while singing] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.
Sir?
This new song of his — too many words, not enough notes.
If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words "if," "where" and "fashion," I think you'd find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.
"If," "where" and "fashion." Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to / Why don't you go where fashion sits / Puttin' on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits, Puttin' on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have gone into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?
Ah... "with due expediency," sir?
[trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency / Puttin' on the Regency." It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?
Very true, sir.
Sorry, Bingo, out of the question. I will not go through all that again. Telling him my pen name was Rosie M. Banks and that I'd written all those frightful novels.
Not for me?
Not for you nor a dozen like you.
I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster!
Yeah. Yes, well, you've heard them now! Paste them into your hat!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.