Mac quotes from JAG

How does the other guy look, Lieutenant?

Bud

(Getting to his feet.) Major!

(Getting up as well.) She doesn’t look as bad as he does.

She?

Bud

It’s a long story, ma’am.

Well, it better be a good one. And what’s your excuse?

Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Bud, you’re getting married in a few hours.

Bud

I really appreciate you coming down here, Major. I owe you one.

One? You 2 owe me 1,000,000. Do you have any idea what the admiral’s gonna say when he hears about this?

(Walking to the front of the cell.) Oh, I think he’ll understand.

Anything broken?

Just my ego. Never been shot down before.

Look at the odds, Harm. We're in the middle of Russia with Parlovsky or Falcon trying to stop us. We don't have identification papers, you don't know the language, and you have no plan other than to get us to Beloyka. Is that sound mission planning?

Chickening out on me?

You know better than that. Answer my question. What is your plan other than to take a train to Beloyka? You're being driven by emotions and those emotions are gonna get us killed.

You can quit. I can't. My father is out there somewhere and I'm gonna find him.

Or die trying.

Or die trying. But you shouldn't. You've come with me farther than anyone I know. I'll never forget that, Mac.

Well, I guess I always knew it would come down to this. And that you'd need me to come up with a dispassionate plan.

When's the party?

1900 tonight.

Tonight? But my dress uniform's at the cleaners, sir. I don't have a dress. I haven't done my hair.

Your hair's fine, Major. And Webb's taken care of the dress.

You don't even know my size.

Webb

36-24-36, 5 foot 8, plus 130 pounds.

120, thank you very much!

United States Navy v. Gentilli. Apparently, you and I prosecuted. Do you remember this?

I don't remember what I had for breakfast, Mac.

Bud

Pumpernickel bagel, sir.

Thanks for noticing, Bud.

Watertown is Los Angeles class. Are you familiar with them?

No, sir.

Be prepared to do a lot of slouching.

Understood, sir.

Good. Major, one caveat. You’ll be in tight quarters with 141 men. Prepare yourself.

Sir, might I suggest you give that warning to the crew of the Watertown?

You’re squirming!

My knees are in my face, Mac! Give me a break.

Tiner

The admiral became a sort of mentor to the lieutenant, and Lieutenant Sherkston’s sort of like the son the admiral never had.

(To Harm.) Oh, I guess that makes you the son he never wanted.

Ha. Very funny.

Dinner for a week says it’s Newman.

Buying or making?

Buying.

Then you’re on. (They shake hands.) Nothing personal, but, um, that last meat loaf you made was nasty.

Are you dogging Harm’s special meatless meat loaf?

Let’s put it this way. If you were to make the Harmon special on this ship, they’d have to unload it with the toxic waste.

Wow. That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? If you don’t like it, you could just say, “I don’t like your meat loaf, Harm.” You don’t have to be insulting. (Throws a screwed up serviette at her.)

You ok?

Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them back up. Humph. Everyone who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life.

It will be okay, Mac. You'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own.

Yeah, not at this rate. My biological clock is going off and I keep hitting the snooze button. Ha.

Tell you what - 5 years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship, we’ll go halves on a kid.

You and me have a baby together?

Yeah. With your looks and my brains, he’ll be perfect.

And what if she has your looks and my brains?

That could work too. So what do you say? Deal?

Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.

I haven’t yet. (They shake hands.)

So how was your trip?(sees her rank) Lieutenant colonel? (salutes) Ma'am.

Well, this just happened. I was gonna tell you.

My heartiest congratulations, ma'am.

Thank you, commander. At ease. Can we get to work now? I could really use your help on this investigation. You know, the Russians are screaming bloody murder. The Pentagon doesn't know whether to go to war or dig a hole in the sand.

Well, I'm no longer with the JAG Corps, ma'am. I'm an aviator.

Oh, so you're not one of us, you're one of them.

I will, of course, obey any lawful orders that you give me, ma'am.

I will try to keep them all lawful, then.

Aye, aye, ma'am.

So, how does it feel? Being back?

Like I left yesterday, and I've been gone a hundred years.

Yeah, I know the feeling. Except, you know, when I came back, I was condemned to writing mindless motions for a month.

Do you remember what it was like, Harm? Trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in, or did that just come easy to you?

You know, sometimes I think I missed out on being a kid. Having a father that was MIA, I was always trying to be the man of the house, you know? I guess I should have been at a disco, or...

Yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve seen you dance.

Why do you keep sending me reminder memos?

Excuse me, sir?

And why are they in large type?

Well, sir, you have, on occasion—

-- Misplaced my reading glasses.

It's just in case, sir.

You know, colonel, I've always respected your objectivity.

Thank you, sir.

Am I slowing down?

Sir, as we age, our physical skills diminish.

Wrong answer.

But our hearts grow stronger.

New Age mumbo jumbo. Well, hell, that's what I tell myself anyway. I'm glad you agree. Thanks.

Don't mention it, sir.

I won't. And incidentally, if you do, to anyone, I'll be on your 6 faster than a surface-to-air missile.

Understood, sir.

You’re worried or jealous?

Mic

I don’t get jealous.

Yeah, neither do I.

Mic

Oh, beauty. Then I can keep my mistress.

Can I keep mine?