iCarly · Season 1
[Sam runs into Spencer and Carly's apartment]
Hey! Can I come in?! Freddie get off that computer! Have you guys seen this?! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!
No wait, just give me about 20- [Sam pushes Freddie off the chair] GOING DOWN!!! [falls to the floor before getting up] Aw, man! It was rendering!
[to Sam] What is up?
Nevel!
Papperman?
[sarcastically] No, Nevel van Houterschmousen.
[idiotically] The pianist?!
There's only one Nevel.
And he's not a pianist.
[Nevel is in a supermarket where the pickles are displayed]
Dill pickles, kosher pickles, sweet pick-- ah! Bread and butter pickles, last jar. [a little girl named Molly accidentally bumps into Nevel with a shopping cart] AAH! [drops the jar and it shatters] OH, NO!
I'm sorry.
[angrily] Sorry? You're sorry?! THAT WAS THE LAST DANG JAR OF BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES IN THIS STORE!! Where's your stupid mother?! Where is she?! [takes a lollipop out of Molly's shopping cart; calmly] Were you gonna buy this lollipop? [throws the lollipop down on the ground, shattering it] Well, now, it's broken!! [Molly starts crying] Not so fun, is it?! Oh, here we go! Sure! Cry it up! WELL, I'M CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY DANG BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES! JERK!
[Nevel shows up at the apartment and the gang tie him up on the sofa next to Gibby, eating pudding]
Must you eat your pudding so loudly?
Okay, Nevel, why are you here?
Yeah, why?
You hate us.
I don't hate anyone anymore except myself. Until I saw that video of me shouting at that little girl, I didn't realize what a terrible, awful person I really am.
This pudding rocks.
You've seen the animal channel!
[looks confused]
The...the horses.
[raises eyebrows]
When they want two horses to...y'know... "DATE"...
[nods head]
...they put 'em in the same barn together...then they, like, turn the barn lights down...
[smiles, raises eyebrows, and nods]
Oh, you know what I'm talking about, why are you making me say it!?
[laughs] Okay, okay. So we get Sam and Brad. Take 'em to a barn...
Stop joking, this is serious!
Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there, 'cuz you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-
[Sam kisses Freddie; Carly, who happened to be inside the room at the window at that moment, witnesses it, shockingly realizing that Sam is in love with Freddie, and not Brad as she thought. Once they break up, the two are stunned for a few seconds.]
I...
S-sorry.
...It's cool.
[The two are mildly surprised as the camera focuses in on the dumbfounded Carly, ending the episode.]
Okay, we're going to move on to our next segment here on iCarly!
Which involves the brain of our disturbed friend, Gibby!
Yes! We all know that Gibby's head is full of wrong-ness...
And to demonstrate that again, let's take a look at- [huge moving cactus walks towards Carly and Sam growling]. Uh oh... it's the cactus' big brother!
[holds onto each other and screams]
[from Los Angeles watching the web show with Steven laughing] Oh my God, how funny is this? Aren't they hilarious?
Yeah, it's funny... [pretending not to know what it is] What's it called?
iCarly. [confused] You've never heard of it?
Uh... no... why?
Cause' you live in Seattle half the time, and that's where these girls do it from.
[from laptop with Sam] Go on now!
[at the cactus' big brother] Go!
[at the cactus' big brother] Walk out the door!
Just turn around now!
You're not welcome anymore!
[laughing with Steven laughing nervously]
And now,
A disturbing voyage into the depths of the ever puzzling Gibbish brain...
[laughing] That girl Carly's really pretty don't you think?
Sure... just uh, not my type... anyway... uh, you know, we've been going out for over 3 months.
I do... we're coming up on our 100 day kiss.
Sneak preview?
Show me the trailer. [kisses Steven]
So face it Rex, you couldn't even rap, if I stapled his lips and took his hand out your back!
[Freddie, Carly and Gibby walk into the mental hospital]
Hi, welcome to Troubled Waters, how may I help you?
'Umm, we're here to see Sam Puckett?
Oh I'm sorry, Miss Puckett isn't accepting visitors.
[Caleb pokes his head out of the janitors closet]
Listen, we're like, really close friends with Sam.
Could we please just talk to her for a minute?
Just for a minute?
Promise.
No.
[Caleb walks over to Gibby]
Please get me some barilium nitrate and four metric tons of ionized quadrazine.
Sorry, I don't roll that way.
[Caleb walks off]
[Freddie and Carly pull Gibby over to one side]
Distract the nurse so we can go find Sam.
Think you can do that?
Umm.. Gibbay.
Go.
Good.
[Caleb walks up behind Freddie and Carly]
You can kick me anywhere below the waist and I won't feel it.
[slightly disturbed and confused] Why not?
My pants, are made of neutronium cotton. You don't believe me? Kick my thighs. [slaps his own thigh] Kick 'em hard.
Um..
We, uhh...
We don't, want to.
Liar!
[Caleb walks off and Freddie and Carly are left very confused]
Gibby; Gibbbaaayyyy!! [Gibby jumps over the front desk]
[Freddie and Carly take a step back in shock]
Oh my goodness, are you alrig- Argghhhh!!
Okay, I'll go this way.
No no, you go that way.
[Carly and Freddie push each other in speed and panic]
Oh fine, just, go go go!
Go!
Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this-
[Sam looks up from her painting]
Sam!
Hello Carly. What do you want.
To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?
Finger painting. [shows Carly her painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised] What do you think?
It's a beautiful finger.
Thanks.
Now who put you in here?!
[sighs and puts her painting out of the way] I put myself in here.
What?! Why?!
Because my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! [mutters and moves closer to Carly] Do you know?
What? That you kissed Freddie?
Urgh! [steps back and puts her hand over her ears] Shut up!
I think it's awesome! I think it's great!
Noooo, no no no no no no no no no... [carries on shouting 'no' whilst Carly is speaking]
There's nothing wrong with it.. Sam, stop it!
Accept it Carls, I've lost my mind.
What? You think just cause you like Freddie-
Urghh, don't say it outloud! [throws herself on her bed]
It's alright to say it outloud.
[puts her pillow over her head] No it's not!
Sam loves Freddie!!
Carly!
Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie!
Quit it.. Carly!
Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves-! [Sam catches her and covers her mouth]
[Freddie walks in a little confused]
There you guys are.
You get out!
[Carly tries to get free]
Licking my hand won't make me let go.
Sam c'mon, just... [Freddie helps Carly free]
Ewww! Why's your hand taste like peanuts and mud?
Cause yesterday I was outside playing in the mud eating peanuts.
I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, and you too, talk.
[Carly leaves and Sam and Freddie just stand still not knowing what to say]
I don't hear talking!
Why'd you come here?
To find out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.
You wanna know why?
Kinda!
Because I hate you.
Then why'd you kiss me?
Because I-! ...I like you.
So you hate me, and you like me?
Now you see why I need to be in here?!
What's going on?!
That patient's trying to escape.
Urgh, I'm not trying to escape!
She checked herself in here!
And now I'm checking myself out. Now go get my bag or no tip.
You're under 18 years of age. You can't leave here without permission from a parent.
Dude! My mom's in Teowana having laser hair removal!
Where's your father?
You tell me!
Look sir, you gotta let her leave, we're doing iCarly tomorrow night.
i What?
It's a popular web show.
Can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.
It's not for old people.
Look! She stays, [drags Sam over to some doctors who try and take her back to her room] you people, leave.
[Freddie and Carly get dragged out by security guards]
Are you kidding me?!
Hey paws off! I'm the future vice president of the United States!
Ok, I wanna know,
Whatcha wanna know?
When you first started to like me.
Okay, (sighs). Remember the time I pushed you in front of that bike messenger and he knocked you down and your head hit that fire hydrant?
Yes,
Well afterwards, when you were laying there, moaning, blood coming out your ear,
Yeah,
I don't know, you looked, kinda cute.
Aww, then it was worth the hearing loss.
I can't believe you're being so cheap!
I can't believe you're being so pushy!
I can't believe I still don't have my 36 dollars!
[turns to Freddie] This is not how boyfriends behave!
Uh, yes it is!
Ok, let's go ask Carly what she thinks!
Let's do it! [they both get up and leave the Groovie Smoothie]
Wait, Wait! What about my 36 dollars?
[Carly is spray painting a plastic butt]
Hey Carly! I brought you some- [pauses and looks at what Carly is doing] What'ya doing?
[sounding tired and stressed] Spray painting this butt blue.
Any reason?
It's for a bit we're doing on iCarly tonight.
[sounding excited] A blue butt bit?!
[sounding annoyed] Yes, a blue butt bit!
Ah! I brought you some corn juice. [shows Carly the glass of juice]
[Carly shrugs her shoulders looking confused and still a bit annoyed and stressed]
See, I was just, hanging on my lawn, shacking some corn, and I thought to myself, "How come no one's ever thought to juice corn?" So I grab a juicer and-
[starts to yell at Spencer] MAYBE NOBODY HAS EVER THOUGHT TO JUICE CORN BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE BRAINS THAT FUNCTION NORMALLY! [Throws her spray painter on the table in anger]
Uhh.. [sounding really upset]
Oh.
Wh-
[starting to feel bad for yelling at him] Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! No, here, give me the cup..
[Spencer starts crying]
Come here, come here.. [gives Spencer a hug] No, I know, you didn't do anything wrong!
[Spencer grabs Carly's hair and uses it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose]
I'm just.. Sam and Freddie have been bugging me like ten times a day to referee every little argument they have, and I'm just... I'm under a lot of stress!
Okay. [blows his nose on his towel] But if Sam and Freddie keep getting on your nerves, then, why do you keep helping them?
Cause they're my friends, and... they're in this new relationship, and I.. I want them to be happy. [takes a sip of the corn juice and spits it back into the cup] Corn juice is awful!
Isn't it?!
[Gibby comes out of the elevator and Spencer walks off]
Gibbaaayyy!
Hey Gibby, you wanna help me with-
Shut up a sec!
[confused]What?
After the show, you gotta take the puppy to the vet, I think he's got an anxious bladder.
Why me?!
He's your dog too!
No, he's not! I never wanted a dog!
[Gibby starts crying]
I'm sorry! Come here! [gives Gibby a hug] Oh my god I'm a monster. You want some corn juice?
Yes please.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's iCarly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
