How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes



All Seasons
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[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
Season 3

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

[Robin has reservations about Ted and Stella's wedding, and Ted is not pleased]
Ted: We broke up over a year ago.
Robin: Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it was nice to know that you were there.
Ted: So I was your safety school. How flattering.
Robin: That's not it. It's just that, I..
Ted: Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.
Robin: Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
Ted: Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-
Robin: I quit my job.
Ted: What?
Robin: I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.
Ted: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-
Ted: I did make it rain.
Robin: It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.
Ted: [after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]

Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I'm engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We're still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery--
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]

Barney: Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?
Robin: I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.
Barney: Really? That's aws... ful.
Robin: Awfsful?
Barney: Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?
Robin: Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because “someone's gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.
Barney: Do we?
Robin: Isn't it obvious?
Barney: Is it?
Robin: Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...
Barney: I love you.
Robin: Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?
Barney: A taco?
Robin: You love them, remember?
Barney: Right.
Robin: Come on, I'm hungry.
Ted: (voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt... it just wasn't one of us.

Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGEN-wait for it-DARY.

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]
Future Ted: From that moment I wasn't angry anymore... Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: [Charging] Yaahhhhh!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.

Barney: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?
Woman: Cindy.
Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.
Woman: The future?
Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]
[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.
Woman: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!
[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]
Woman: Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.
Woman: Global warming?
Barney: My god. How did you know that?

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...