How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

[Having discovered that Victoria hooked up with Klaus within two days of breaking up with Ted, Ted begins licking the dishes he just cleaned for her]
Victoria: [gasps] Okay, fine. Just let yourself off the hook on a technicality! Forget the fact that you did cheat on me!
Ted: Forget it? I will never forget it! Okay? I will never stop regretting it, because what we had meant that much to me! I just...I wish it had meant something to you, too.
Victoria: Are you kidding? I loved you.
Ted: Did you?

[Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback']
Barney: Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]

[Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else]
Barney: Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...
Myopic Stripper: Barney?
Barney: I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]

[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]
Ted: ...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.
Marshall: [cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!

[In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman]
Nora: Ok, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Barney: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
Woman: Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]

[Kevin has just proposed to Robin, who's still unsure of an engagement]
Robin: Haven't you always wanted kids?
Kevin: That was before I fell in love with you.
Robin: That's the thing! Your future always had kids in it, something huge you would be giving up for me. I just don't think I could ever owe someone that much. I'm just scared that you'll wake up in a year, or ten, or 50, so I need you to be sure, okay? If we get married, we will never have children. Are you really okay with that?

[Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night]
Future Ted: Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure...
Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history.
Future Ted: Instead, he took a different approach...
Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers]

[Lily and Marshall arrive at Ted's apartment and see it empty. Lily sees note]
Ted: Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today, I took my name off it. The now yours and I think I've found what to do with Robin's old room[They walk in to Robin's old room and find that it is painted blue and has been turned in to a baby room]. You see, for me, this place had begun to feel haunted. At first I thought it was haunted by Robin, but I now think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change, and I think you do too. This apartment needs some new life, so please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted.

[Lily is frustrated that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant]
Marshall: Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
Lily: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
Marshall: ...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
Lily: I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.
Marshall: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
Lily: There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

[Marshall and Barney work the AC casinos]
Marshall: Hope Lily's okay.
Barney: Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Marshall: Motion denied.
Barney: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]
Marshall: The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.
Barney: I came back.

[Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed]
Lily: Why are you in our bed?
Barney: I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!

[Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers]
Lily: AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Marshall: Thank God, me neither.
Lily: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall: You're too much like my dad!
Lily: Your dad??

[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]
Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.
Ted: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall: We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.
Lily: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!

[Marshall confronts Garrison Cootes over the piddly settlement from Gruber Pharmaceuticals]
Marshall: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.
Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Marshall: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]
Cootes: Boy or girl?
Marshall: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?
Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?
Marshall: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]
Marshall: In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -
Lily: I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall: The name is Wait For It.
Lily: [screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!
Part II