How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]
Barney: Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]

[Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused]
Ted: You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!
Barney: You never called dibs.
Ted: Dibs were implied!
Barney: "Implied" dibs?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea-
Ted: I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep [points pen at Barney] this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.
Barney: Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]
Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]
Barney: You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
Ted: OK, yeah I know...
Barney: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

[during Nora's date with Barney]
Nora: Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]
Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: ...So you wanna get pizza later-
Scott: I think we should break up.

[Future Ted is explaining why Barney needed to win the race]
Barney: [excited] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group...
Future Ted: [interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need a win.

[Goliath National Bank's ad]
Voice-over: What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.
Barney: [holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]
Randy: [opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.
Arthur Hobbs: I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]
Marshall: [at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

[In Marshall's mind, virtual versions of Lily and Robin watch him and Lily have sex over drinks]
Virtual Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.
Virtual Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting.
Marshall: [to Lily] Is this working for you?
Virtual Lily: [mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?
Virtual Robin: Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?
Virtual Lily: Oh, you're bad!
Virtual Robin: More Cosmos? [share toast]

[Inside the Move This truck on the way to Sam Gibbs' house, Ted and Robin discuss how to market him to a blind date.]
Ted: [to Robin typing on Blackberry] Ted Mosby is solid as a rock. No, dependable. No, rugged. No-
Robin: Why don't I go to the Chevy website and copy down the adjectives?
Ted: I just want to hit that perfect middle ground.
Robin: How about if we just go wildly to both extremes and let them balance each other out? [reads message] "Ted Mosby is really handsome but extremely violent and really rich, but lacks bladder control-" [truck hits bump; Ted and Robin are jolted] Oh damn, that last bump just made me hit Send.
Ted: No, no.
Robin: Don't worry, everyone will get it's a joke.
Ted: No they won't, they'll think...wait. Everyone?
[Lily, Marshall, James, and Barney at the cab also received the message]
Barney: [reads message] "Really rich"? [Everyone laughs]

[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]
Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help.]
Lily: Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
Ted: [surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?
Marshall: Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily: ...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

[Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her]
College Marshall: You can't have me. Look at the sign. [Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage] I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall: They did?!
Lily: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.
College Marshall: Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily: [pause] Sure.

[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]
Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant -- that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.