[Lily's caught by surprise at learning that Marshall's parents will live with them in the baby's first three months]
Lily: You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?
Marshall: Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?
Lily: What?
Marshall: AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!

[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily: Hey baby, how'd it go?
Marshall: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily: Baby, come here.
Marshall: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
Future Ted: And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Marshall: Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily: I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
Season 7

[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher...and he was my best friend. He always came through for me...and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father...the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall...
Marshall: How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
Marvin Eriksen: Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]

[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
Barney: [at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin: Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]

[Robin is introduced to World Wide News' anchor, who is very familiar]
WWN Employee: Robin, this is -
Sandy Rivers: Robin!
WWN Employee: You two know each other?
Rivers: Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]

[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
Robin: [cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
Ted and Barney: [to each other] She means you.

[Ted and Barney discuss the GNB headquarters project, which may involve tearing down the classic Arcadian theater]
Barney: Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

[Ted consults Lily about what to do with his students after they walk out, thanks to Zoey. Lily described what she did to Johnny Marley]
Ted: Lily. You're a psychopath.
Lily: Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!
Future Ted: I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]
Zoey: Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
Ted: [to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]
[at MacLaren's]
Lily: You said that?
Future Ted: Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

[Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again]
Lily: But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall: Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
Ted: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall: ... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
Ted: [to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Barney: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...
Ted: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
Ted: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
Ted: And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: [in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
Barney: I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted: Whoo, lighting change!

[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however...]
Judy Eriksen: [listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]
Ted: Where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Ted: Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted: He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

[The gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is]
Ted: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks
Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Future Ted: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.