Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

Barney

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Barney

It's robots versus wrestlers!

Barney

[refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Barney

Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails]

Barney

[in thoughts, remembering woman he just nailed] Not an eight. At best she was a six, six and a half, more like a four by the time I was done with her. Mental self-five. [to Marshall] Everything's great.

Barney

Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Haa!! He buries bones all day. [whoops] No one chases tail like him. Oooow!! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog! [points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog] I call him... "Brover." I'll go - owww! - fetch him.

Barney

Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

Barney

Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.

Barney

[to Robin] Canadians also helped to win two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes, and best of all, you.

Barney

You’re moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It’s a style of pizza. Ted, you can’t live in pizza.

Barney

A few final thoughts. Don't get married 'til you're 30. Play laser tag at least once a week. Give as many high-fives as you're gonna get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets but very hard to care for - not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. [gives them napkins detailing pages of the Playbook] Take care of the Game for me. [leaves]

It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."

Ted

Hey Barney, see that girl?

Barney

Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Ted

The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!

Nobody's that lame.

Ted

Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.

Barney

...we are international businessmen!

Barney

[at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?

Only all the time.

Barney

Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?

Yeah.

Barney

Have you ever licked it?

Nope...I have never licked it.

Barney

I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGEN-wait for it-DARY.