Don't worry, it's a vegan I.V.
S1 E18Babies & Bathwater
I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.
They matter... If I could do it all again—
—you'd do the exact same thing.
[House nods]
Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe even Cuddy.
Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.
It's the same motion as yesterday people, same reasons. All those in favor of dismissing Gregory House raise a hand.
[all present apart from Cuddy raise their hands]
[sighs] Dr. Cuddy, you realize this is going to happen.
I can't do it.
You can't abstain.
I'm not abstaining, I'm voting no.
You've changed your mind since yesterday?! What did he do, buy you dinner and roses, threaten to drown your dog?
He did his job.
[sarcastically] Right, he saved another life.
Maybe.
Good for him, it's great, it's not the point.
It's what we do.
And you could do it a lot better if you didn't have to worry about some madman running around the hospital accountable to no-one.
But that's not the choice you're giving us!
[cutting in] House won't listen to anyone...
[cutting in] And you're not accountable to anyone either, because you think you own us.
[sighs] I move for the immediate dismissal of Doctor Lisa Cuddy.
BMBoard member
She's upset, we all are. [to Cuddy] Why would you risk your career to save him?
If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go then vote yes. But if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right, he does own you. [gets up to go] You have a choice, maybe the last real one you'll have here. [leaves]
S1 E19Kids
I saw the light on.
It's daytime.
Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
[pause]
Got a new cane.
Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Why are you here?
Vogler is dead.
What? What happened?
Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
The way they were was kinda weird.
Ehh...weird works for me.
What are you saying? Literally?
I want you to come back.
Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
You should go, it's important.
What I'm doing now is important.
Why do you want me back?
Because you're a good doctor.
That's it?
That's not enough?
Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]
[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]
Dr. House! We need you here.
Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
[Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.
PGDr. Petra Gilmar
Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.
[Dr House and Dr Wilson exchange a surprised glance]
You Jewish?
PGDr. Petra Gilmar
[Keeping her cool] Yes.
Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
[Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—
PGDr. Petra Gilmar
Two hours of begging?
I heard four.
PGDr. Petra Gilmar
Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.
[After they shake hands and she escorts herself out]
That's our Hitler!!
No. Did you see her shoes?
Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.
You had the perfect person, and you blew it.
You saw the shoes!
I'm not talking about her.
You're talking about Cameron.
I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.
Cameron is so not perfect.
Nobody's perfect.
Mother Theresa?
Dead.
Angelina Jolie?
No medical degree.
Oh, so now who's being picky?
You're not going to be happy with anyone.
So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.
S1 E20Love Hurts
[Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?
He only committed to the first two.
RRamona
My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Not anymore.
Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Well...
Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.
[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
I have been on a date.
Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
[sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.
I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.
You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.
S1 E21Three Stories
Would you operate on your mother?
MSMedical student #2
Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.
Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.