House quotes

House

Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has left the building?

Daniel

I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.

House

I detect a stink of leftover faith.

Daniel

You wanna talk hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care about anyone but here you are, saving lives...

House

Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.

Daniel

Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?

House

[pause] Yeah, I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit.

House

So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...

House

Religion is not the opiate of the masses, religion is the placebo of the masses.

House

If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?

Wilson

It would depend on what she was serving.

Wilson

Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does: Trying to avoid pain.

House

Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. You're saying that she's not a hypocrite.

Wilson

I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisies so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.

House

Oh sorry, continue.

Wilson

Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it. And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.

Wilson

Are you eliminating symptoms?

House

I can't know everything.

Wilson

This is medicine not metaphysics.

House

Truth is truth. [Erases "Hallucination" off the board] It fits.

Wilson

It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.

House

I can if it's not a symptom.

Wilson

Well, what is it?

House

Not a symptom. [walks out]

Daniel

Einstein said, "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous."

House

Woman in Florida said, "Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."

House

[to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

Cuddy

Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.

House

I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.

Thirteen

You really think House took too many Vicodin?

Foreman

The guy pops them like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

House

Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.

House

Unless the next stanza reads "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth," I'm not interested.

Wilson

You idiot!

House

Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good, though, don't I?

Wilson

Heroin. Heroin?! House, of all the stupid...

House

I'm not on heroin.

Wilson

I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.

House

I'm on methadone. Stupid product, heroin without the high.

Wilson

Yea, and twice the risk of death.

House

No risk of arrest.

Wilson

You nearly died.

House

Today was a fluke, I nodded off.

Wilson

Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You wanna detox from Vicodin, pick something that won't kill you.

House

I'm not detoxing.

Wilson

If you're looking for something to help with your pain...

House

Doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.

House

My leg doesn't hurt anymore.

House

People don't get personal with you, except for me. And you dismiss me for a jerk who's jerking you around. But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.

Cuddy

So that was your way of saying I look good today?

House

You don't get the slightest kick out of that?

Cuddy

Don't be ridiculous House.

Wilson

I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.

House

Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.

House

My patient has a quality of life issue.

Chase

He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition.

House

When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's going to alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. 'Til he drives them away too.

Chase

[thinks for moment] I'll see what I can do.

Wilson

[Referring to his brother] I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible... Instead... we're just strangers. It's kind of anti-climatic.

House

Which is better than terrible.