If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.
S5 E9Last Resort
Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants.
I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously, if I was jerking you around I'd say that I needed to kick you in the groin.
JJason
Never been anywhere south of Florida.
You idiot.
JJason
Florida counts?
Well, not to the supreme court, it's warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.
S5 E10Let Them Eat Cake
What's Cuddy doing in your office?
Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
[from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!
[calling over his shoulder] I'm well aware!
Wow! Muscles and curves! My penis is so confused!
Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.
[To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
[To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
Your plan isn't gonna to work.
Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and you try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
You're not bothering me.
Step 1: complete.
[To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.
EEmmy
If surgery could somehow make you taller, wouldn't you do it?
Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.
S5 E11Joy To The World
House always has an agenda, just screwing with us isn't...
Yeah he'd never do that. Oh wait- He already did last year!
Irene Adler, Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute granulomatosis with polyangiitis diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Really?
No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
Then, how did you guess...
I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.
WWhitney
I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
I believe him.
WWhitney
Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like... sitting on a toilet seat?
Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...
[House is in the clinic, attempting to rise to Wilson's challenge to be civil to other people. A patient with asthma is complaining that her inhaler is ineffective.]
AAnna
I go through one a week.
Are you sure you're using it right?
AAnna
Do I look like an idiot?
[slight pause while House clearly struggles not to say what he's thinking]
Nope... Why don't you show me how your inhaler works.
[the patient retrieves her inhaler from her purse. She releases two puffs from it, one on each side of her neck, as though applying perfume. She looks at House triumphantly.]
[shot of House, smiling tightly, then cut to shot of the clinic lobby. The exam room door opens and the patient strides out quickly, looking angry.]
AAnna
Jerk.
He doesn't want us to treat her.
If it's leukemia even if we kill every cancer cell. her heart and liver are too far gone.
A double transplant.
With brain involvement? The committee won't even open the file. There's no reason to put a dying girl through a painful treatment if it can't save her... He's being kind.
S5 E12Painless
Sane people don't attempt suicide.
Not ever? So if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun?
I'd shoot the guys with the torches.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.