House quotes

Dr. House

[in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!

Dr. Cameron

House, come on, the chapel?

Dr. House

We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?

Dr. Chase

It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.

Dr. Chase

[whispering] I'm sorry.

Dr. House

The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.

Dr. Cameron

MS…

Dr. House

It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…

Dr. Cameron

Can you stop that? Just say not MS!

Dr. Wilson

I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of Autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.

Dr. Cuddy

House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Dr. House

There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Dr. Cuddy

Pay attention to me!

Dr. House

Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Wilson

Your real fear is me having a good relationship.

Dr. House

Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Cuddy

I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.

Dr. House

In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?

Dr. Chase

Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.

Dr. House

Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him.

Dr. Foreman

His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.

Dr. House

For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? Get a detailed medical history.

Dr. Cameron

From who? He was bought in alone.

Dr. Chase

And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.

Dr. House

Talk to the neighbors, search the house, let's see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

Dr. House

What you find out?

Dr. Cameron

That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.

Dr. House

Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?

Dr. Cameron

Pianos and prostitutes.

Dr. Cameron

The weight limit's obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.

Dr. Chase

He's not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.

Dr. Cameron

I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.

Dr. Foreman

And you believe the machine will stand on principle?

Dr. Foreman

[On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.

Dr. House

Oh right, places to go, people to eat.

You must be Dr. House.

Dr. House

And you must be full of bologna. Lot of it.

Right! Fat joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.

Dr. House

And Christians. Oh, and black people.

Dr. Chase

Genetic tests take forever, you can't just keep testing for every inherited condition you think it might be.

Dr. House

Well not me, I'll be leaving early, but you guys can.

You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.

Dr. House

Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.

Dr. Wilson

If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...

[turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?

Dr. House

Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.