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House quotes

896 quotes · page 19 of 60

House

All S1 S2 S3 S4 S5 S6 S7 S8

S3 E7Son of Coma Guy

Why steal my pad?

[mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes.

No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.

This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino.

And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.

[to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

[cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!

[explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy he knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.

S3 E8Whac-A-Mole

Dr. Foreman [to House]: What are you writing?

Dr. House [while writing]: Nothing.

If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?

[finishes writing and sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [licks the envelope]

You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.

Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [writes something on the envelope, gets up, and goes over to the whiteboard] If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, this is a very cruel game. [he uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

Nice cane.

If I know what you mean.. [winks]

He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.

You can't lift your arm.

You can't pee standing up.

Noble.

Moronic. [Foreman looks at him] It's a synonym.

S3 E9Finding Judas

You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?

It's never lupus.

[at the court]

JJudge

I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.

It's people like this who killed Copernicus.

JJudge

Galileo.

Either way.

JJudge

And they just locked Galileo up.

They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.

JJudge

Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.

Their doctor.

EEdie

Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.

There's no time.

EEdie

All I want is a second opinion before —

No time!

JJudge

Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.

Am I under oath?

JJudge

Let's say yes.

My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.

JJudge

Literally no time for a second opinion.

Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.

JJudge

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?

[Before Cuddy can answer] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.

JJudge

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?

Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.

[to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Foreman] Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets.

[Dr. Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]

Busy.

[Dr. Wilson walks in anyway]

You okay?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, what I meant by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?"

Nothing.

What did he say?

I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.

Seriously? What did he say?

Nothing. Doesn't matter.

[Wilson sits down]

Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.

People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is, he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.

And you're this upset because you think he's right?

I have had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.

I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.

A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.

That's normal. That's —

[Crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.

She needed reassurance.

I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes, maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.

[Cuddy chuckles wryly]

RIGHT! She's SIX! She's CUTE! She CAN'T have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just WRONG! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling, and I'm gonna do my job.

S3 E10Merry Little Christmas

DMDet. Michael Tritter

Merry Christmas.

And a Happy "Go to Hell".

[walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]

Woah, sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment... small favor.

What are you gonna do?

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

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