Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?

We're protecting Osama bin Laden?

Dr. House

It's a metaphor. Get used to it.

Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Applicant #6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room!

Dr. House

Well, you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut-throat little pixie.

Dr. House

I fired you!

[wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.

He fired you. You're number 6.

No, I'm not. I'm number 9.

Dr. House

I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.

Dr. House

So tell me about the magic underwear.

Is that why you're here?

Dr. House

I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.

You're reversing your argument?

Dr. House

I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.

Well, LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.

Dr. House

But your judgement was to say "no". You used my judgement.

You made a good argument.

Dr. House

Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.

You're an atheist.

Dr. House

Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.

Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe-?

Dr. House

It's not about fun, it's about the truth.

Thirteen

Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.

Dr. House

You have just given a state secret to the enemy.

Thirteen

What enemy?

Dr. House

New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.

Wait, how do you want us to split up?

Dr. House

Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] …overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait…

How 'bout women versus men.

Dr. House

Excellent suggestion…fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the Yanks.

Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.

Dr. House

Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?

Not yet.

Dr. Cuddy

Why are you here?

Dr. House

My office is being used by my teams.

Dr. Cuddy

Teams?

Dr. House

...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.

Dr. Cuddy

You have teamS?

Dr. House

Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.

Dr. Cuddy

You can't make a competition out of patient care.

Dr. House

Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?

Dr. Cuddy

Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?

Dr. House

I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-

Dr. Cuddy

You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-

Dr. House

Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.

Dr. Cuddy

If you know you are obligated to treat-

Dr. House

Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?

Dr. Cuddy

I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?

Dr. House

I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.

Dr. House

Who are you, Thirteen?

Thirteen

My name's in the file.

Dr. House

Fact that you won't answer my question tells me more about you than answers could.

Thirteen

No it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees-

Dr. House

You think that not answers tell me anything?

Thirteen

Sure, just not as much as actual answers, that's why they're called answers.

Dr. House

They tell me you're hiding something.

Thirteen

Tells you I'm hiding everything.

Dr. House

Tells me you got something worth hiding. Is it Turkish prison? Gay porn? You killed a man just because he was asking too many questions?

Dr. Taub

[asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.

Dr. House

He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.

Could be an STD...

Dr. Taub

Why isn't he fired?

Dr. House

[starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel. Dark Religious Nut,...

[surprised] What did you call me?

Dr. House

I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?

Cole.

Dr. House

Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]

Dr. Cameron

[about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.

Dr. House

You wanna bet?

Dr. Cameron

No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.

Dr. House

One hundred dollars.

Dr. House

Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.

Dr. Cameron

Define "kick your ass".

Dr. House

Any physical confrontation...

Dr. Cameron

...Or verbal.

Dr. House

Define "verbal".

Dr. Cameron

Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!

Dr. House

You realize what you're encouraging here?

Dr. Cameron

[smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.

Dr. Cuddy

How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?

Dr. House

Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.

Dr. House

You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' lounge, let's go.

Dr. Taub

Why me?

Dr. House

Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; that would be insensitive.

What do you want us to do?

Dr. House

The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?

This isn't the time for--

Dr. House

Casting out the demons?

The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.

Dr. House

You believe that the book has all the answers.

To morality, not science!

Dr. House

But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?

Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!

Dr. House

You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--

[after a moment of silence] I know what she has.

Dr. House

You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.

Dr. Cameron

[After winning a $100 bet] Cash will be fine.

Dr. House

I bet you say that to all the guys.

Dr. House

I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.

Dr. Foreman

Thanks.

Dr. House

... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.

Dr. Foreman

The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

Dr. House

Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.

Dr. Foreman

Giovannini's?

Dr. House

Do you know another mirror syndrome?

Dr. Taub

You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?

Dr. House

Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!