Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cameron

Flames?

Dr. House

Makes it look like I'm going fast.

Dr. House

My patient's about to have a heart attack, it's going to be massive.

Dr. Cuddy

Oh well, that's too bad because I just got tickets for a stroke on the third floor.

Dr. Wilson

How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?

Dr. House

Why are you suspicious?

Dr. Wilson

Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.

Dr. House

You think I spat in yours?

Dr. Wilson

Or worse?

Dr. House

I stacked them.

Dr. Wilson

[Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke.

Dr. House

I...wouldn't drink that.

Dr. House

Leg hurt and...[Points in general direction of bathroom, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]

Dr. Foreman

[Disgusted] You're happy about this.

Dr. Cameron

She's going to die!

Dr. House

That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.

Dr. Chase

I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

Dr. House

[to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. That cool?

Dr. Cuddy

[sarcastically] Yeah, no problem.

Dr. Cuddy

I was being sarcastic!

Dr. House

It wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.

Dr. Chase

Wha... what because I yelled at you?

Dr. House

Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.

Dr. House

Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.

Dr. Cuddy

My building, my floor, my people!

[weakly] Esteban?

Marina.

Dr. House

Holy crap...

Is this Heaven?

Dr. House

No, it's New Jersey.

God sent you back to me! It's a miracle!

Dr. Cameron

Other than a miracle it's the only other explanation for her symptoms.

Dr. House

How come God gets credit whenever something good happens?! Where was he when her heart stopped?

Dr. Cameron

I've gotten all I can from this job.

Dr. House

What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologize? Beg Chase to come back?

Dr. Cameron

No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

Dr. House

Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.

Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.

Dr. House

Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.

Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.

Dr. House

Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.

Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.

Dr. House

Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.

Dr. House

[to Dr. Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?

Dr. Wilson

Yeah, in the end they release the hostages. How's that working for you?

Dr. House

The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.

Dr. Wilson

Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

Dr. House

[switches on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?

Dr. Wilson

It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.

Dr. House

Well, say adios.

Dr. Wilson

Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!

Dr. House

I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

Dr. Wilson

Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.

Dr. House

Bring it on!

Dr. Wilson

You stole my patient.

Dr. House

You kidnapped my guitar.

Dr. Wilson

Give him back.

Dr. House

Only when you give her back.

Dr. Wilson

It's a she?

Dr. House

Well, it's certainly not a dude.

Dr. Wilson

It's a guitar! You took a human being!

Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. House

Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.

Neville Chamberlain?

Dr. House

You're fired.