Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Foreman

You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook?

Dr. House

It's never lupus.

I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.

Dr. House

It's people like this who killed Copernicus.

Galileo.

Dr. House

Either way.

And they just locked Galileo up.

Dr. House

They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.

Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.

Dr. House

Their doctor.

Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.

Dr. House

There's no time.

All I want is a second opinion before —

Dr. House

No time!

Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.

Dr. House

Am I under oath?

Let's say yes.

Dr. House

My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.

Literally no time for a second opinion.

Dr. House

Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?

Dr. House

[Before Cuddy can answer] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?

Dr. Cuddy

Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.

Merry Christmas.

Dr. House

And a Happy "Go to Hell".

Dr. Cameron

What are you gonna do?

Dr. House

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

Maddy

I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.

Dr. House

You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.

Maddy

It's "average-sized".

Dr. House

Compared to you, I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?

Maddy

He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.

Dr. House

I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?

Dr. Cameron

House!

Maddy

Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.

Dr. House

She also hates Jews.

Maddy

I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. [off House's look] What?

Dr. House

Care to go for a spin?

Maddy

Are you high?

Dr. House

Higher than you.

Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come and see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect.

Dr. House

Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.

Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA.

Dr. House

Which you have no intention of doing?

No.

Dr. House

So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?

Dr. House

[Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions? [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] "Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility", when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.

You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you?

Dr. House

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your wife, your mother, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.

No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie.

Do you want to go to jail?

House

No thank you.

Dr. Cameron

House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.

Dr. House

Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.

Dr. House

Excuse me, I have to go to jail.

Dr. Wilson

[Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.

Dr. House

No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.

Dr. Wilson

The whole time?

Dr. House

My higher power said it was okay.

Dr. Wilson

Nothing's changed?

Dr. House

Nothing's changed.

Dr. Wilson

[Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.

Dr. House

[Smiling] Believe what you want.

Doctor House...

Dr. House

So, should I be looking for you in the shadows? Flinching every time a car backfires?

Good luck. I hope I'm wrong about you.

Dr. House

Start counting.

Dr. House

How many?

26.

Dr. House

Okay, either you suck at math, or you're going to die in two seconds.

Dr. House

You suck at math.

He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.

Dr. House

[to the kid] How old are you?

Eight.

Dr. House

And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".

Abortion is murder.

Dr. House

True. It's a life and you should end it.

Every life is sacred.

Dr. House

Come on, talk to me don't quote me bumper stickers.

It's true.

Dr. House

It's meaningless.

It means that every life matters to God.

Dr. House

Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.

You're just being argumentative.

Dr. House

Yeah. I do do that. What about Hitler? Was his life sacred to God? Father of your child. Is his life sacred to you?

My child isn't Hitler.

Dr. House

Either every life is sacred or—

Stop it! I don't want to chat about philosophy.

Dr. House

You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.

It's murder, I'm against it, you for it?

Dr. House

Not as a general rule.

Just for unborn children?

Dr. House

Yes. The problem with exceptions to rules is the line-drawing. It might make sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. I mean, where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill and which asses get to keep on being asses? The nice thing about the abortion debate is that we can quibble over trimesters but ultimately, there's a nice clean line: birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge.

You're enjoying this conversation.

Dr. House

This is the type of conversation I do well.