Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Wilson

Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.

Dr. House

Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me."

Dr. Wilson

That's my name, don't wear it out.

Dr. Foreman

His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.

Dr. House

Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?

Dr. Cameron

We were treating him for Wagner's and everything went wrong.

Dr. House

Not everything.

Dr. Foreman

Yeah, it was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse.

Dr. House

[sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.

They are nice, aren't they?

Dr. House

No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.

Dr. House

What's your name?

Hannah Morganthal.

Dr. House

You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.

No, I don't.

Dr. House

We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.

Dr. Foreman

Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —

Dr. House

Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think that she's one of them.

Dr. Foreman

She says she's not.

Dr. House

That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.

The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.

Dr. House

Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.

I fell through a window when I was a kid.

Dr. House

Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.

Dr. Foreman

On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.

Dr. House

They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.

Dr. Foreman

You said you had seven reasons.

Dr. House

I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?

Dr. Foreman

Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —

Dr. House

I can hit her again if six isn't enough.

I wanna see my mother!

Dr. House

Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.

I'm not scared. I'm never scared.

Dr. House

See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is.

It sucks.

Dr. House

Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!

Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.

Dr. House

Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.

I can't cry.

Dr. House

Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin finally shot my liver.

I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.

Dr. House

I can't run.

Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.

Dr. House

Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.

I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?

Dr. House

Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.

After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...

Dr. House

I got shot.

I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?

Dr. House

Yeah.

Do you think I'm lying?

Dr. House

Do you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?

Dr. House

Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.

Dr. Cameron

You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!

Dr. House

Some think the two are connected.

Dr. Foreman

It's gotta be 25 feet long.

Dr. House

Dammit, world record's over 60.

Dr. House

[to Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase] You two shower together?

[together] No!

Dr. House

Double negative - it's a yes.

Dr. House

Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.

My leg's not a piano.

Dr. House

I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!

Dr. House

Do you like your life?

What life?

Dr. House

Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour, scoring girls left and right.

I don't like girls.

Dr. House

Boys. Whatever gets you off.

[with an excited look] I like the piano!

Dr. Cuddy

House, I'm so sorry.

Dr. House

Forgot I was dying, huh?

Dr. Cuddy

I'm here if you need me.

Dr. House

I need you.

Dr. House

One small feel for man... one giant ass for mankind.

Dr. Cuddy

Thanks. Good luck in Boston.

Dr. Cuddy

[not turning to look at House] Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Dr. House

It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.

Dr. Wilson

Are you curious about heroin?

Dr. House

Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!

Dr. House

I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.

Dr. Wilson

The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. Cameron

Why is he here instead of the VA?

Dr. House

Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy's trying to avoid fellating who doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of "nothing's wrong-atosis."

Dr. House

Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I's. And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in, and... whether he's ever been on TV.

Dr. Cameron

TV?

Dr. House

Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.