Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cuddy

Pay attention to me!

Dr. House

Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Wilson

Your real fear is me having a good relationship.

Dr. House

Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Cuddy

I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.

Dr. House

In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?

Dr. House

Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him.

Dr. Foreman

His CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.

Dr. House

For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? Get a detailed medical history.

Dr. Cameron

From who? He was bought in alone.

Dr. Chase

And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.

Dr. House

Talk to the neighbors, search the house, let's see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.

Dr. House

What you find out?

Dr. Cameron

That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.

Dr. House

Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?

Dr. Cameron

Pianos and prostitutes.

Dr. Foreman

[On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.

Dr. House

Oh right, places to go, people to eat.

You must be Dr. House.

Dr. House

And you must be full of bologna. Lot of it.

Right! Fat joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.

Dr. House

And Christians. Oh, and black people.

Dr. Chase

Genetic tests take forever, you can't just keep testing for every inherited condition you think it might be.

Dr. House

Well not me, I'll be leaving early, but you guys can.

You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.

Dr. House

Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.

Dr. Wilson

If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...

[turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?

Dr. House

Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.

Dr. Wilson

Why steal my pad?

Dr. House

[mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes.

Dr. Wilson

No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.

Dr. House

This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks. Let's go try the casino.

Dr. Wilson

And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.

Dr. House

[to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

Dr. House

[cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!

Dr. Chase

If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?

Dr. House

[finishes writing and sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters? [licks the envelope]

Dr. Cameron

You can't know what's wrong after a 30 second perusal of his file.

Dr. House

Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. [writes something on the envelope, gets up, and goes over to the whiteboard] If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, this is a very cruel game. [he uses a magnetic paperclip container to hold the envelope in place. On the envelope is written "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]

Dr. Cameron

Nice cane.

Dr. House

If I know what you mean.. [winks]

Dr. Cuddy

You can't lift your arm.

Dr. House

You can't pee standing up.

Dr. Foreman

Noble.

Dr. House

Moronic. [Foreman looks at him] It's a synonym.