Gregory House quotes from House

Stacy

I need to talk to you.

Dr. House

From the doorway?

Stacy

It's confidential.

Dr. House

Cool. I love gossip.

Stacy

If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?

Dr. House

He has great hair.

Stacy

What are you hiding?

Dr. House

I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

Dr. House

Five grand. And that's just ante money; after the surgery you'll get another fifteen, though I warn you that includes the tip.

[Laughs] I make six hundred grand a year. You think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for twenty thousand?!

Dr. House

It's tax free.

For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop kicks both your asses out the back door.

Dr. House

Great, that means I don't have to bother welshing on the other fifteen grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses, currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's six hundred-thousand divided by two?

Dr. House

Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.

Dr. House

Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?

Dr. Cuddy

Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.

Dr. House

[To a patient who's been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it] You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.

How long?

Dr. House

On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.

Dr. Cameron

[While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of Munchausen's.

Dr. House

Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.

Dr. House

MRI show anything?

Dr. Foreman

CT scan was negative.

Dr. House

CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.

Dr. Chase

We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.

Dr. House

I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?

Dr. Wilson

Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?

Dr. House

They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Stacy

Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...

Dr. House

Really good drugs?

Stacy

No, it's like... vindaloo curry.

Dr. House

Okay, sure...

Stacy

Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.

Dr. House

I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.

Stacy

You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.

Dr. Wilson

[about Stacy] This isn't just going to go away.

Dr. House

No, but maybe you will.

Dr. Foreman

Hypervigilance, sudden irritability...

Dr. House

Symptomatic of...lunch with Cuddy?

Dr. House

Knowing is always better than not knowing.

Dr. Cameron

It's a referral request.

Dr. House

[holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.

Dr. Cameron

[incensed] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?

Dr. House

It said confidential. I wanted to know.

Dr. Cameron

The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.

Dr. House

Comforting, isn't it?

Dr. Cuddy

You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?

Dr. House

I gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.

Dr. Cuddy

Have you even read an ethical guideline?

You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.

Dr. House

That's so closed-minded. He's not "abnormal", he's special.

Dr. Cameron

Could pain medication cause an orgasm?

Dr. House

I wish.