Narrator quotes from Hell's Kitchen

This year chefs get an early start on their Hell's Kitchen journey, and they couldn't be more exciting.

(interview) I think my competition is going to get overwhelmed. I'm going to destroy everybody, nobody's even going to come close you're all going to cry to your mommies.

First name is...

Jackie.

Where are you from?

(New) Jersey. [audience applauds] (interview) I am the epitome of Jersey. I'm tough, I'm beautiful, I'm sexy. I will kick your ass and suck your dick all at the same time.

What's under the dome?

[removes lid] I have a seared scallop and grilled corn salsa.

[notices that there is only one scallop on the plate] Wow. Now, are we on a diet?

No. [some of the contestants laugh with the audience] I thought it looked nice with just one.

I thought I'd get more from a Jersey girl. Every time I've been there, man, they're generous.

I know.

[eats the scallop] I'd love to give it a four. I can't, there's only one scallop there. I'm gonna give it a three. Three out of five.

Thank you, chef.

With Jackie having a respectable dish, Rhode Island culinary manager, Kevin, is putting his faith in his...

Chicken Caesar piadina.

[facepalms] There's a reason why you don't put fresh, crisp salad on a hot pizza. [Eddie shakes his head] Honestly, it looks... terrible. The dough's uneven. How'd you make that dough so quick?

Um, it was a pre-prepared dough.

So you didn't make the dough?

No. [audience groans]

[whispering] Shit.

And is it an authentic Caesar dressing?

Pre-made. [audience groans again; someone shouts at Gordon not to eat the food]

(interview, facepalms) Kevin!

Store-bought dough... store-bought Caesar salad dressing. Let me ask you something. Do you want to go home?

(interview) Oh, God. This is not good. [to Gordon] I'll do better, chef.

You'll do better?

I will. I can show you I will.

One out of five. That's all you get. Terrible.

They're cooked to fuck, those things. Who cooked the scallops?

Here, chef.

They're fucking rubber! The first portion was perfect, and that was a fucking fluke 'cause that is shit. [returns the pizza to the workstation after found out it was burned] (to Mark) Hey, by the way, in England, we have a saying, "When it's brown, it's cooked. When it's black, it's fucked!" [drops a plate of pizza to a workstation onto an empty plate at the bottom shattering into pieces] Disgusting, and you bring me that shit? WHAT'S GOING ON?! [screenshot of Audrina Patridge waiting her food]

Alan's rubber scallops and Mark's burned pizza have brought the kitchen into the standstill.

No one's communicating, no one's stepping up, and no one's taking charge.

Sorry, chef.

(to Frank) Frank, you got your own pizza?

Yeah.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Get it back.

Pizza, coming up. (interview) I figured nobody else could do a better pizza than somebody who's 100 percent Italian from Brooklyn, New York.

Over in the blue kitchen...

Two risotto, one capellini, one special! Yes?!

Yes, chef!

LET'S GO!!

...the men are still backed up on appetizers and have now put the tableside chefs in neutral...

Let me go check on them (the chefs inside the blue kitchen), I'll be right back.

...and so Jared and Eddie, in an attempt to be useful, head to the kitchen to offer their assistance.

Guys, talk to me? What do you boys need? What do you boys need?

I'm finishing off this risotto. Eddie!

(to Eddie while pointing on Mark's pan) Risotto!

(interview) I heard everything going on I was like, "You know they need help. I am going back in there". (in the kitchen) [holds a pan of risottos to be sent to the pass] Coming around hot, coming 'round hot.

(calling Eddie) Hey, hey, you, come here, you. Put it (the pan Eddie is holding) down. Who cooked this?

I started it, chef, Eddie finished it for me.

(to Mark and Eddie) Come here you, taste that! It's bland, the rice is still undercooked, disgusting!

(interview) Mark is not getting any of his dishes right. He looks like deer in headlights when he's getting yelled at. Bro, like wake up! Hello, you're here!

(to Mark) Come here. (to Eddie) You, come here. Sit down [let to sit him on the chef's table] and eat your shit. (to Eddie) Yes, take a seat, you must be tired if you're gonna fucking... (calls Marino) Uh, Marino!

Yes, chef?

Glass of sauvignon blanc for Chef Mark and Steady Eddie.

Okay.

Hurry up, let's go.

Hello, guys. And if I were you, I would actually eat it fast.

(interview) I swallowed the risotto just like I swallowed my pride. I still don't know how the hell I got roped into that, to be honest with you.

Back in the blue kitchen...

[Holds the tickets] Come on guys, they're about to walk out!

Chef Ramsay is just looking for...

(to Hassan) Risotto, where is it?

You got my two lobsters for the risotto ready?

Yep! [Checking cooked shrimps] Make sure they're hot.

Go, go, go!

[brings the lobster to pass] To your left, chef.

Unreal. [returns the lobster at the workstation] Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, all of you! ALL OF YOU!!!

(interview) Fish station, Alan and Kevin, they were kinda... (imitates whistling) like a fart in a fan factory, [sic] man. They were fucking lost.

Just touch that, put your hand on there! [sees a cold raw lobster on a plate] Touch, touch! Fucking (smashes the shrimp) COLD! WHAT'S GOING ON?! 'CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF!

I'm done, let's get out of here.

I do not fucking get it!

Chef, table 40 is leaving, two top, they haven't got anything yet.

Now the tables have walking out, just literally giving up! A bit like you. Fuck off out of here! GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!

(interview) What a fucking shit show! I've never been a part of anything so hellacious in my life.

Hey! Hey, hey, bozo! Do me one favor tonight: get upstairs and think of two individuals that don't belong in the blue team. GET OUT!

Yes chef.

PATHETIC!

That was bru-TAL.

While the red team waits, back in the Blue kitchen...

Fire now, Buzz Aldrin, two tuna, four wellington.

Yes, chef.

Chef Ramsay looks to Hassan on meat to pilot this VIP ticket.

Hassan, focus on your table!

Yes, chef. Put the wellingtons in for me, Kevin.

Heard. Wellingtons going in the oven. [holds a plate of perfectly cooked wellingtons to mistakenly send in the oven]

(to Kevin) Where is he going?! WHERE'S THAT IDIOT GOING?!

(called Kevin over) Hey, whoa, whoa! They're done. (captions on a screen)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, bring those back, please. Get them over here! (interview) Kevin, they're already cooked, man. We're cooking the ones that aren't cooked. Back up before you get slapped up, bro.

Man! (gives Kevin a warning; throws a fork to a cleaning rack) (Points his finger to Kevin) Hey, you, I'll kick you to the fucking moon. (to Kevin) Come here.

(interview) Oh, damn! Not good.

He maybe an astronaut, but you're a space cadet. (to Kevin) Are you okay?

Yes, chef.

You sure?

Yes, chef.

FUCKING HELL!

Meanwhile, back in the red kitchen...

Garnish walking, girls! [walks Wellingtons to the pass]

Put them down.

Thank you, chef.

Chef Ramsay is looking for Jackie to deliver...

Arctic char! Arctic char! [holds a pan of perfectly cooked risotto]

...and finally complete the second order of entrées.

(Arctic) char. (sends it to the pass)

(returns the char and sauce to workstation) Hey! Hey, all of you, come here. Just touch that. Dannie, just touch that. COME ON! COME ON! QUICK! JUST TOUCH THAT!

Yeah. It's cold.

Touch it! Touch... [heavily smashes the char] Fuck! Stone-cold! Jackie, we're stuck in neutral.

(interview) FUCK MY LIFE! Chef Ramsay is going to eliminate me right here.

Jackie, come here! Fucking useless!

Oh no!

Oh no!

For the last time, get it together!

Yes, chef. Now I got to refire this fucking shit!

(talking to the waiter) Go. Come back for the Arctic char, yes?

How long on this char, Jackie?

How long for that char?

Three minutes, chef.

The rest of the table are eating their entrées.

I know, chef.

You guys can start. Start before it gets cold.

(interview) Fucking half the table's eating. So I got Chef Ramsay screaming, "Where's the char?"

Arctic char?

(interview) Don't worry, I'm with it. I'm 'bout to 'bout it.

I cannot wait! It's not good enough!

Hey, all of you! All of you, come here!

Ugh! I'm--

Come here! It's cold and raw! Uh, I-I'm done! [slams the char to a plate] I'm fucking done! I AM DONE! GET OUT! GET OUT!!! I TOLD YOU I WON'T TO PUT UP WITH ANOTHER SERVICE THIS BAD, GET OUT, VANESSA! GET TO THE DOOR! [throws Vanessa's apron on a table when she is on her anger]

(whispers) Damn it. [Jackie throws her apron on a table]

(interview) THIS SUCKS! Somebody needs to go home tonight. It's just completely unacceptable.

It's like we're hitting walls instead of jumping hurdles.

(goes to the Blue kitchen) Hey! Hey, Blue team!

Yes, chef.

(to Eddie and Alan) You two, on desserts. The rest of you, jump into the Red Team and help them finish! Now!

Yes, chef!

NOW!

Where we at?

Who’s on fish? I’ll hop on fish!

What do we got working?

That’s already reduced in there. Right here.

I can’t believe this is fucking happening.

It’s fucking burnt, throw it out.

(interview) These boys just bomb-rushed our kitchen, kamikaze style. Like, fucking... [imitates bomb falling and going off]

As soon as those two tunas are ready, we’ll go to the pass!

Why are you screaming?!

I’m not screaming! THIS IS HOW I TALK!

(interview; impersonates Hassan yelling at her) "You guys need to listen to me, ‘cause I’m Hassan, and I'm big, and I blah-blah-blah!" Shut up!

Tuna going to the window!

[to Sous Chef Christina] On your left, two fish.

Okay, let’s go.

First ticket out, team! Loving the teamwork, guys!

With a very vocal Hassan leading the charge, the men have taken over the red kitchen...

[to Kris Jenner] And I have your tuna.

Kris Jenner

Smells so good.

...delivering entrées to the chef’s table and grateful customers in the dining room.

Last table now! Two Arctic char, four wellington!

Let’s go, guys.

I’m walking char.

Heard!

She’s (Jackie) got the wellies right behind you.

Service, please.

Alright, guys, let’s clear it down.

Christina Wilson

[to Red team] Please thank the gentlemen for finishing your service two nights in a row!

Thank you, guys!

No problem.

Fucking pathetic-ass shit. Bullshit ass team. Worst team ever.

Back in the Blue Kitchen, Chef Ramsay finds nothing that is amusing.

(to Kevin) Where are the scallops?

Right here chef! Right here chef!

Hey, all of you! Fuckin' hell. Just touch them, come on! Just touch them! Just touch that! Touch it! Look at it! Look!

I've just done them with you and they are all fucking overcooked, raw, this is not normal! All of you, come here! Get in there!

Yes, chef.

MOVE, CHAD!

(interview) Oh, Jesus Christ. Not tonight of all fuckin' nights, not tonight!

Get over there! Get over there! [approaches the entire team to the pantry room] What in the fuck is going on here? What is going on?(points at Kevin) You!

I fucked up, chef.

Do me a big favour.

Yes, chef?

Yeah?! Get your apron off, get packed, and fuck off out! [opens the pantry room door for Kevin] First, GET OUT! GET OUT!

Yes, chef. [leaves the pantry room to pack his things]

[cold-blooded] Who's next?

[dead silence]

Get your shit together, and salvage what's left for all of you. FUCKING WAKE UP! NOW!

Yes, chef. (interview) Kevin just went down, I don't know what the fuck happened. No more mistakes, we can't have a shit service.

Joe! On the fish, now!

Yes, chef. [to Blue team] Let's rebound, guys! Rebound, guys!

The blue team is hoping Alan's new risotto hits the mark.

Thirty seconds on the riso(tto)s. Walking my risottos! [sending to the pass]

Is the fish and chips gone yet?

Fish and chips is one minute out, chef. (interview) We still have a shot in spite of everything that has fucked up so far.

Fish and chips?

Walking! [holds the fish on a pot and sending over to the pass] Right here to your right.

It's fucking raw fish. [returns the fish and chips to the workstation] ALL OF YOU, STOP! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MESS! ITS JUST DISGUSTING!!! [Jared and Joe touch the fish] WE'VE HAD EVERY POSSIBLE FUCKING MISTAKE TONIGHT, AND IT'S NOW BEYOND A JOKE! [smashes the fish on a plate] RAW FISH!!! All of you, get the fuck out of here!

Yes, chef.

GET OUT! AND I MEAN NOW!

(interview) Argghhh... It was embarrassing tonight.

GET OUT!

Over in the red kitchen...

Tuna and New York Strip?

Coming to the pass in 15 seconds, chef.

Hassan and Dannie hope the the third time's charm with their refired New York Strip and Tuna.

Coming out the pass, one New York (Strip).

One tuna.

(interview) There's no option to fail we can not fuck this up. If we do, another one of us is going home.

Fucking steak's raw. Hey, hey, Red Team! RED TEAM!

Yes, chef?

It is contagious. There's just mistake, after mistake, after mistake! DO ME A BIG FAVOR, ALL TOGETHER, FUCK OFF! GET OUT! GET OUT!

What happened?

What the fuck man?!

(interview) Kevin's gone. Tonight's dinner service was a complete disaster, the front of the train went off and the back just followed. (in the dorm) It was... just nipping in the but. Joe, biggest fuck-up of the night.

(to Frank) Yeah.

Brice and Chef Andi will select one of the four appetizers to feature on their wedding reception menu. First up...

Ariel, let’s start off with your seafood appetizer.

I did a grilled peso squid stuffed with lobster claw.

Andi, what do you think visually?

It's really opaque-looking.

Slightly phallic in terms of... looks like a bison’s penis. [Jackie and Ashley laugh while Ariel facepalms] Yeah.

[smiles] I didn’t want to say that.

Not the most attractive.

It’s an aphrodisiac.

[after tasting the squid] You didn't cook the squid enough. It’s still raw, it’s very chewy.

Brice?

Yeah, it’s just kinda off-putting.

That’s not a good start.

While Chad and Jared commiserate, back in the blue kitchen, the rest of the chefs attempt to coordinate.

Here we go, Blue Team, one French toast, one chicken and waffles, two New York steak and eggs.

Yes, chef.

I'll drop the French toast. (interview) With Jared kicked out of the kitchen, its definitely added pressure, but I don't want to stand here, and I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get food and done out.

We gonna put these tables out. (to Manda) Manda, I need you to watch those French toast.

Yeah.

I need to know what it is. We're cooking for chefs, everything should be spot on. (to Frank) Frank, please keep an eye on my French toast for me, please? I just want to check this chicken.

I'm already turned them, I'm already turned them.

Okay, cool, cool. If you can run over (French toast) here, drop the waffle.

Alright. Manda, could you watch the French toast?

I got, I got that.

Two New York steak, one French toast urgently, yes?

I got two New Yorks ready to go.

Oh, man!

Fuck!

Manda, is that burnt?

(sees the French toast) Yep.

Who's cooking the French toast?

Frank. Frank was, Dannie was and then I was supposed to watch it.

No, no, Amanda said she was gonna take over it. Man up to it.

(to Frank) I-- I JUST SAID I WAS GONNA WATCH IT!

Yeah. (interview) She is fucking useless. Useless! Don't throw me under the bus for something I didn't do. I'll pack this fucking girl's bags myself.

(Manda) Young lady, you are standing in right a front of it.

Yes, chef.

DO ME A FAVOR, GET OUT!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! (interview) I’m pissed the fuck off! They didn’t throw me under a bus, they threw me under a fucking Mack truck! [to Jared as she walks into the dorms] ONE MISTAKE! ARE YOU JOKING ME?! How many times did we send up raw-ass chicken?! It came back raw fucking three times!

Twice!

(enters the dorms) I’ve been re-firing eggs all night, and every single one of my steaks was perfect!

I don’t give a fuck what you’ve been re-firing! All you’re doing is bitching to me about, "I cooked a million eggs" SO FUCKING COOK ANOTHER ONE!

Just cook another one. We’ll just all wait for Jared to get his shit together.

[flips Manda off] Fuck you. That was fucking low!

Whatever.

Fuck you! THAT’S FUCKING IT! [punches wall as he walks away]