Joe quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Back in the blue kitchen...

[Holds the tickets] Come on guys, they're about to walk out!

Chef Ramsay is just looking for...

(to Hassan) Risotto, where is it?

You got my two lobsters for the risotto ready?

Yep! [Checking cooked shrimps] Make sure they're hot.

Go, go, go!

[brings the lobster to pass] To your left, chef.

Unreal. [returns the lobster at the workstation] Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, all of you! ALL OF YOU!!!

(interview) Fish station, Alan and Kevin, they were kinda... (imitates whistling) like a fart in a fan factory, [sic] man. They were fucking lost.

Just touch that, put your hand on there! [sees a cold raw lobster on a plate] Touch, touch! Fucking (smashes the shrimp) COLD! WHAT'S GOING ON?! 'CAUSE I'M GETTING SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF!

I'm done, let's get out of here.

I do not fucking get it!

Chef, table 40 is leaving, two top, they haven't got anything yet.

Now the tables have walking out, just literally giving up! A bit like you. Fuck off out of here! GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!

(interview) What a fucking shit show! I've never been a part of anything so hellacious in my life.

Hey! Hey, hey, bozo! Do me one favor tonight: get upstairs and think of two individuals that don't belong in the blue team. GET OUT!

Yes chef.

PATHETIC!

That was bru-TAL.

[after stirring around a pan of vegetarian risotto at the pass] Oh, my God! Hey! [holds up the pan to show the risotto sticking to the bottom] I know they may be vegetarian, but they deserve better than that! Who gave me that?!

I gave it to you, chef.

The rice is fucking raw.

(interview) What the fuck, bro?! Kevin... [makes slapping motion]

[throws pan and spoon across workstation] Is that your respect for a vegetarian?

No, chef.

COME ON! FINISH IT OFF! GET THE RICE COOKED!

Yes, chef!

(goes to the Blue kitchen) Hey! Hey, Blue team!

Yes, chef.

(to Eddie and Alan) You two, on desserts. The rest of you, jump into the Red Team and help them finish! Now!

Yes, chef!

NOW!

Where we at?

Who’s on fish? I’ll hop on fish!

What do we got working?

That’s already reduced in there. Right here.

I can’t believe this is fucking happening.

It’s fucking burnt, throw it out.

(interview) These boys just bomb-rushed our kitchen, kamikaze style. Like, fucking... [imitates bomb falling and going off]

As soon as those two tunas are ready, we’ll go to the pass!

Why are you screaming?!

I’m not screaming! THIS IS HOW I TALK!

(interview; impersonates Hassan yelling at her) "You guys need to listen to me, ‘cause I’m Hassan, and I'm big, and I blah-blah-blah!" Shut up!

Tuna going to the window!

[to Sous Chef Christina] On your left, two fish.

Okay, let’s go.

First ticket out, team! Loving the teamwork, guys!

With a very vocal Hassan leading the charge, the men have taken over the red kitchen...

[to Kris Jenner] And I have your tuna.

Kris Jenner

Smells so good.

...delivering entrées to the chef’s table and grateful customers in the dining room.

Last table now! Two Arctic char, four wellington!

Let’s go, guys.

I’m walking char.

Heard!

She’s (Jackie) got the wellies right behind you.

Service, please.

Alright, guys, let’s clear it down.

Christina Wilson

[to Red team] Please thank the gentlemen for finishing your service two nights in a row!

Thank you, guys!

No problem.

Fucking pathetic-ass shit. Bullshit ass team. Worst team ever.

Get the fuck out of the way! GET OUT OF THE WAY! SEASON FROM A FUCKING HIGH! LET'S GO! [showing Kevin how to cook scallops] Watch me! Twelve o'clock, one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock, yes?

Yes chef.

Bang, that is it. You just leave them here.

Yes chef.

Then you check in with your garnish.

Aaahhh!!!

What the (bleep) are you doing?

(Bleep, bleep)! It's hot! It's hot! (groans)

I grabbed it with my hand. [stove starts catching fire]

Oh, my God! Oh, (bleep) hell!

Look! [captions on the screen]

That's my mistake, my mistake.

Get out! (Bleep) GET OUT! Now you are making history you're gonna burn down the the restaurant! Refire scallop! [tosses the barely undercooked scallops through the sink]

Back in the Blue Kitchen, Chef Ramsay finds nothing that is amusing.

(to Kevin) Where are the scallops?

Right here chef! Right here chef!

Hey, all of you! Fuckin' hell. Just touch them, come on! Just touch them! Just touch that! Touch it! Look at it! Look!

I've just done them with you and they are all fucking overcooked, raw, this is not normal! All of you, come here! Get in there!

Yes, chef.

MOVE, CHAD!

(interview) Oh, Jesus Christ. Not tonight of all fuckin' nights, not tonight!

Get over there! Get over there! [approaches the entire team to the pantry room] What in the fuck is going on here? What is going on?(points at Kevin) You!

I fucked up, chef.

Do me a big favour.

Yes, chef?

Yeah?! Get your apron off, get packed, and fuck off out! [opens the pantry room door for Kevin] First, GET OUT! GET OUT!

Yes, chef. [leaves the pantry room to pack his things]

[cold-blooded] Who's next?

[dead silence]

Get your shit together, and salvage what's left for all of you. FUCKING WAKE UP! NOW!

Yes, chef. (interview) Kevin just went down, I don't know what the fuck happened. No more mistakes, we can't have a shit service.

Joe! On the fish, now!

Yes, chef. [to Blue team] Let's rebound, guys! Rebound, guys!

The blue team is hoping Alan's new risotto hits the mark.

Thirty seconds on the riso(tto)s. Walking my risottos! [sending to the pass]

Is the fish and chips gone yet?

Fish and chips is one minute out, chef. (interview) We still have a shot in spite of everything that has fucked up so far.

Fish and chips?

Walking! [holds the fish on a pot and sending over to the pass] Right here to your right.

It's fucking raw fish. [returns the fish and chips to the workstation] ALL OF YOU, STOP! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MESS! ITS JUST DISGUSTING!!! [Jared and Joe touch the fish] WE'VE HAD EVERY POSSIBLE FUCKING MISTAKE TONIGHT, AND IT'S NOW BEYOND A JOKE! [smashes the fish on a plate] RAW FISH!!! All of you, get the fuck out of here!

Yes, chef.

GET OUT! AND I MEAN NOW!

(interview) Argghhh... It was embarrassing tonight.

GET OUT!

Joe, what is going on?

(Table) 23? 23?

23. Yeah, what do you need?

I just need to know where the fucking is.

(to Manda) What's he (Joe) doing there?! What's the fucking fat little donkey doing out there?

[letting Joe back to the kitchen] Hey, 23 is this way, I'll show you, watch your language.

(interview) Regardless of what's going on in my head or in the kitchen, I'm a people person. I'm always good with the people.

[attracts with diners when serving tableside] How is doing today?

I'm hungry.

Oh, okay. Well, we'll fix that in a hurry. (interview) I can always turn on the charm (smiles). [plates the tableside dish with...] Mascarpone sauce, potatoes.

Joe!

Yeah?

Move your arse.

[brings the plate to the hungry female diner] Here you go, enjoy. My mom never yelled at me this much.

Joe, get your fat arse in here, NOW! Hey you, come here?

Yes, chef?

[notices the dirt on Joe's chef jacket] What's all this on here? It is a brand new jacket? You look like a sack of shit on a hot day. YOU ARE DIRTY, YOU'RE SLOW, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, GET OUT!!! GET CHANGE, HURRY UP!!!

I don't have another clean, chef--

Fucking find one! I don't care! FIND ONE! [to the rest of the Blue Team] Two Arctic char, two New York strip!

[to Joe] What do you need?!

A FUCKING COAT! COME ON! (interview) I would never think of talking back to Chef Ramsay. [runs down the hall and into the dorms] FUCK!! (interview) But a part of me was like, "Yo, bro! What the fuck do you want me to do about it?! You want me to feed these tables. or is this a fucking fashion show?!"

Blue team, redemption! Two covers of table twenty-three, fire two chicken, CSI: Miami actor. (to Eddie) Hey, don't fuck this up.

Yes, chef.

You guys are really waiting for that chicken, huh? I'm waiting for that chicken.

(interview) I've worked in Michelin star restaurants, so, you know, the guys are looking at me as the go-to guy in the kitchen. I'm gonna help lead us to victory.

Slicing chicken.

[holds a pot and a pan] Garnish walking right now.

Ten hut, hut. Chicken in the pass. [in which it was found out raw and undercooked; Gordon returns the chicken onto a workstation]

All of you, come here? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?!

A little undercooked, chef.

It's pink.

(interview) You fucking worked at a 3-star Michelin restaurant cook chicken right!

[let the team sit on a chef's table] All of you, take a seat. Fucking get in there! YEAH GET IN THERE! GET FUCKING IN THERE!

We'll have some more bread! Starch out!

There is no room for the chicken.

(interview) CSI stands for Crime Scene Investigator not your CHICKEN SUCKS, IDIOT!

So who wants to eat raw chicken?

(interview; imitates explosion) Aahh! My God!

Nobody, chef.

WHO WANTS TO EAT RAW CHICKEN?

Nobody, chef.

So why are you expecting them (points at Miller and crew) to do it? GET A GRIP!

Yes chef.

There’s seven plates up there.

I have one pork and two beef! Manda!

Yes, chef.

How many dishes are there up front?

There’s seven dishes, chef.

Unbelievable.

(interview; counts quickly) Yo, what the fuck is there seven up there for? Where’s the extra dish coming from?

Frank, you did chicken and beef?

Yeah.

Amanda told us she was doing beef.

(interview) This is not good.

What have we got?!

We got three beef, chef.

And that’s the best you can do for her (Andi)? Can you just get your shit together?! [facepalms] This is embarrassing!

(interview) Everybody knew I was doing this rib eye! Let’s do some math!

I just want two beef dishes. Come on!

We’re keeping the steak Diane, and we’ll keep that one right there. That’s it, done.

(interview) I don’t know if Frank has a problem with me or females in general, but what am I, fucking chopped liver?

The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is... [a pause, then points to the blue team, who won the night's service] Joe. Give me your jacket. Joe, unfortunately, you are not ready to be the next head chef at BLT. Service after service after service, I'm not seeing any change.

Yes, chef.

Thank you.

Thank you for the opportunity, chef. (after being eliminated) Hell's Kitchen was much more grueling than I could have ever imagined. It's easy to be an armchair quarterback when you're sitting at home watching it, going, "Yeah, I could make a risotto". It's a much different story when you're in the line of fire with Chef Ramsay up your rear end. If-ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas, and I'm the one out here right now, so I'm the one that's got to take it on the chin.