TV show quotes
[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]
Identifying that thing.
[echoing] That thing...
Setting your sights on that thing.
[echoing] That thing...
Reaching for that thing.
[echoing] That thing...
Getting that thing.
[echoing] You get that thing?
Recognition for getting that thing
[echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.
Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.
Want twin shots?
One print's fine.
[in a video rental store] Then...
Do you have Double Indemnity?
[pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.
Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.
[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]
Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two L's and two T's. I have two of EVERYTHING, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!
I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!
Hiram Mightor [quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.
We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die... [He gets shoved into a woodchipper]
What's the meaning of this? This is my quiet time.
We're going to have to take you into custody.
Ha ha. That's outrageous. What am I charged with?
Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.
You're a genie?
Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.
So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.
I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!
[from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?
Oh. Hey, regarding the talc situation—YOU'RE OUT OF IT!
Potamus...
Eh?
Did you flush?
Who said that?
I did. Fat-ass.
Meyn Got! Talkin' animal! [recoiling] This ain't riiight! SKEEVIN' ME OUT! [flees bathroom]
Oy gevalt. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!
I'm uncertain.
I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!
That monster is attacking Judy!
But Phil, he's saving her!
My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.
[Potamus has taken control of the firm and is sitting in Phil Ken Sebben's office]
Daddy?
I love this job.
Where's daddy?
Uh...he went on, uh...a...
[Potamus sees a billboard with 'vacation' partially replaced by 'honeymoon']
vaca...neymoon.
Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about—
They eloped. Silly kids.
But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.
[Potamus rushes her out of the office]
Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!
Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.
He just said "Co-co butter"...and like that...he was gone.
Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!
Oh yeah? [leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past] Hey HA-HAs! You're hired!
You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?
20%
Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!
How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!
...and the school kids.
It was Phil!
HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!
Mr.—slight retch—Birdman's office.
Hi, Debbie, it's me. Put me through please. [Debbie hangs up] Hello? [Redials] It's X. Uh, X the Eliminator? Yeah, I'd like to speak to Harvey if I could, please.
No, he's booked through December. Try back next year.
Look! I need to talk to him, okay? It's regarding tonight's menu!
I don't have him down for dinner.
I...didn't invite him yet. [Debbie hangs up again] I understand. Short notice. [Slams phone down] I hate him!
Um, well?
He's not coming!
Whores are for heroes!
[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach]
Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...
[impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...
If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.
[X presses four]
[awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...
You have... ten... seconds.
[frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
