Phil, Peanut and others in “Blackwatch Plaid”

Phil

Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut

You hid the interns?

Phil

Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil

Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil

Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.