Harvey Birdman quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Harvey

[after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!

Peanut

Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]

Harvey

So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.

That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!

Harvey

[laughs] We're trying.

And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?

Peanut

Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.

Phil

[regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?

Harvey

Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.

Phil

You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.

Harvey

Plus, I don't think he understands English.

Phil

Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!

Harvey

[now has a white stain on his shoulder]

Phil

Nope! I think he understands plenty!

A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.

Harvey

[Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!

Mightor

[On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.

Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...

...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!

Peanut

You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."

Peanut

Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!

Harvey

It didn't last as long this time.

Peanut

Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.

Harvey

Gimme the French Stuff.

Peanut

Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!

Harvey

OK OK OK! How much?

Peanut

You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.

Harvey

[tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!

Peanut

And lunch money.

Harvey

But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....

Peanut

You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.

Harvey

Money. Money. I'll get the money!

Harvey

Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!

Harvey

Pleased to meet your Mr. ...

Harvey

My stapler seems to have fallen into your...

Phil

Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.

[With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!

Peanut

Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]

Harvey

Thank you.

It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!

Phil

CANNIBALS!!

Phil

Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.

Harvey

Interesting name. Norweg...?

Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.

Phil

Brllnt!

Phil

[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey

One sheet?!

Phil

Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus

[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Harvey

Wow.

Phil

Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.

Harvey

Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?

Phil

Nothing like gold on gold

Harvey

You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...

Phil

Backrub.

Harvey

Backrub?

Harvey

Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right

Phil

You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.

Harvey

It didn't?

Phil

Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

Señor, have faith if you could do me a favor.

Birdman

Sure.

Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.

Birdman

Sorry?

Expectorate... como se dice? Spitting?

Harvey

Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Reducto

Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

Reducto

Don't look at me!

Reducto

And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

Harvey

Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day

Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.

Harvey

Things have been harder lately?

Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place

Harvey

And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?

Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!

Mightor

[Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!

Mentok

More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?

Potamus

Nah, we're done.

Mentok

[in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand.

Potamus

I... call... Shado... to the... stand... Now what?

Mentok

[in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the question.

Potamus

Uhh... did you...

Mentok

Go on.

Potamus

Did you... get... that thing I... sent ya?

[telepathically] THE THING YOU SENT? [talking out loud] I'm sure I did! One moment... [sorting through papers] I think it was on buff, or maybe goldenrod.

Mentok

And how long did they have to respond, Mr. Potamus?

Potamus

Two weeks.

Mentok

Oh, and let's see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!

[talking out loud] But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How—

Mentok

Did I know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! Ya know what we call THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

Harvey

So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?

Mentok

Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Birdman

And if someone were stunned, even momentarily, that may be enough time to recover my...

Peanut

Crest?

Birdman

YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!

Peanut

Well, that was a little creepy.