A character in Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Played by Gary Cole
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law · 80 quotes
Most-quoted character in Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: in 46 of its 80 quotes
Most scenes with: Phil Ken Sebben (15), Peanut (12), Peter Potamus (7)
[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]
Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.
That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.
HarveyReally?
[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]
Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.
Sucky.
Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.
My uniform?
The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.
HarveyObjection, he isn't even wearing any pants.
Exactly.
Neither am I. Is that a crime?
Uh, yes. Yes, it is.
You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.
HarveyI am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.
Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.
HarveyI don't have to repeat what you're saying.
I mean it stop it.
HarveyI mean it stop it... You mean it stop it
Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?
Harvey[is silent]
Okay, good.
HarveyOkay, good.
I didn't say "Mentok says."
HarveyYou didn't say..
BirdmanThat's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!
Quit, and do what?
BirdmanI don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…
[cut to present day]
[over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!
BirdmanSigh!
And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.
HarveyPeanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Proof of what?
HarveyUm... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
I'd look elsewhere for that...
[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]
Birdman[sighs]
That you Birdman?
BirdmanYou know, now is not a great time.
Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?
BirdmanNo! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I've never gotten that thing you sent me, and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me—EVER!—I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]
[whimpers]
BirdmanHey, hey, oh... I'm, I'm sorry.
[sobs uncontrollably]
BirdmanLook, I, uh... I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.
[bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT 'EM!
Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhhent ya... Shh.
HarveyBut I don't know what I'm doing.
Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closely... to what I'm about to say to you.
HarveyOh, okay...
Promise that you are going to listen to these words with all your heart.
HarveyOkay.
Do you have... inside you... here...?
HarveyYes?
Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need... in life that will guide you through it all?
HarveyYes?
Do you have that one thing...?
HarveyWhat thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!
It is that thing that I sent to you.
[an exasperated Harvey plunges his face back into the sink.]
[leaves bathroom, passing attendant Azul Falcone] You're outta talc!
Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.
Want twin shots?
HarveyOne print's fine.
[in a video rental store] Then...
Do you have Double Indemnity?
[pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.
Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.
[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]
Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two L's and two T's. I have two of EVERYTHING, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!
I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!
Hiram Mightor [quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.
We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.
HarveyYou're a genie?
Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.
HarveySo, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.
I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!
Oy gevalt. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!
Harvey BirdmanI'm uncertain.
I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!
That monster is attacking Judy!
Harvey BirdmanBut Phil, he's saving her!
My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.
You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?
Harvey20%
Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!
How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!
...and the school kids.
HarveyIt was Phil!
HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!
Harvey[alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?
HarveyPlease say no, please say no...
[answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...
You don't have to report tomorrow.
HarveyDamn!
I'm not finished.
HarveyOh.
If your number is divisible by fourteen, you don't have to report.
HarveyDamn! [starts doing long division]
If two trains left your number at the same time headed in opposite directions, you don't have to report.
HarveyDamn!
If your number is two thousand three hundred fifty nine or above, you don't have to report.
HarveyYES!!
Unless it is two thousand three hundred fifty nine, and then you do! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!
Harvey$27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.
(behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the fuck is chipotle anyway?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
