Warren Demontague quotes from Greg the Bunny

Gil

End of discussion.

No, it is not end of discussion, Gil! I do not want to sing this song with Dottie! I do not want to sing this song with Blah! I want to sing this song all by myself, you hear me? Me, me, me, me, me!

Gil

Warren, I really don't think this is the right attitude for "The Sharing Song."

Yes, you know, the boy is absolutely right. The way we puppets are depicted on television is deplorable.

Gil

You play a professor.

Not a good one. I'm drunk half the time.

Jack

I once saw a street puppet in an outfit like that get hit by a car. Flew 30 feet. Looked like a clown shot out of a cannon. Except there was no net, so it was... funny in a different way.

Oh, God. You know something? I wish one of the voices in your head would just tell you to shut the hell up.

Dottie

Okay! She wasn't my friend, she was my maid! Okay?! My maid was a puppet! Is that what you wanted to hear?! Does that make you happy?!

Hey, my maid's a puppet. You know, she's terrible, but she's illegal, so I can pay her dirt.

Warren, you are a self-hating sock!

Self-hating sock with a mini-fridge.

Jimmy

Hey, there he goes. He's pulling in to that scuzzy motel.

Oh, wow. I am having total deja vu. Oh, that's right -- I bring whores here.

Leo, Warren Demontague. The pleasure is mutual. Looking forward to our scene together.

Correct me if I'm wrong. But if I'm playing a mailman, why would I be doing a scene with a dog?

I, sir, am an actor first, a puppet second, and an ape third! I am not a dog! But if I were, I would bite you thusly!

Well, I, for one, welcome my brother from the stage. It will be nice to finally have a true actor to help me carry the show's full dramatic weight.

Gil

Warren, here's your banana for the Punky the Chunky Monkey sketch. Try not to eat it this time.

Well. That was... unfortunate timing.

Alright, men, let's get a weapons check.

Jack

I got a wrench.

I got a rope.

Blah

I got a candlestick.

Jimmy

Guys, we're going to beat up Leo, not play Clue.

Uh, Gil, uh, the man is a genius.

Blah

Yes, clearly ahead of his time, blah.

Alison

Yeah, well, if he's ahead of his time, that doesn't do us any good now, does it?

Blah

Yeah, well, he's only about three weeks ahead of his time. So, uh, by the time the show airs, he'll be perfect, blah.

Gil

Hey, Warren, you shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down.

Oh, right, right. Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years, and tossed him out onto the street. You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant.

Gil

Uh, no. I did that when he was on top. I'm saying, don't kick him when he's down. There's a difference.

Heh heh. Oh, ol' Rochie, Rochie. How far the mighty have fallen.

Rochester

It's just a little dry spell -- I'll be back. I'm like John Travolta in between Grease and Pulp Fiction.

Yes, well, until Quentin Tarantino swoops in, there's an overflowing toilet in the men's can.

Jack

[singing] Many things are good to take, like a swim out on the lake.

Blah

[singing] Take a walk or take a hike. Take a ride on your new bike, blah.

Dottie

[singing] Take a train to New Orleans.

Jack

[singing] Take a look at my blue jeans.

[singing] Take my temperature when I'm sickly.

[singing] Relax, this will be over quickly.

Dottie

[singing] But never take what isn't yours in your grubby, little paws.

Jack

[singing] Greg, isn't that what you have done?

[singing] Come on, guys, this isn't fun.

Dottie

[singing] Taking something causing grief.

[singing] Admit it, Greg, you are a thief. Admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it...

Why the hell are you wearing a dress?

Jack

Hmm? Oh, this. Yeah, huh, funny story there. Hank Thompson -- guy at my gun club -- starts shooting way better than he usually does. So I ask him what his secret is. Ladies underpants, he says. It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim. So I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better. So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps -- next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club. Oh, and you know what else? Works for bowling, too.

That's weird. They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.

Gil

Yeah. That's the weird part.

Alison

Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.

Jack

Oh, no, you're kidding. This is so embarrassing... Look at this place -- it's a mess!

Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.

Alison

Laura, have you interviewed Count Blah yet? He is such a talent, and so professional.

Oh, yes, if by professional, you mean stealing his entire act from a Sesame Street character.

Blah

That's a filthy lie! That son-of-a-bitch stole my bit, blah!

Alison

Blah and the--and the Count from Sesame Street have this, like, playful rivalry. I love when you do that. It's totally fake.

Blah

Fake, just like his accent. I'm from Romania. He's from New Jersey. And I'll tell you another thing about him. Yeah, he once showed up in an emergency room with 1, 2, 3 -- 3 gerbils!