George Lopez Season 1 quotes

George

[to Benny] You behave yourself or else all I have to do is shove you outside, yell "WILD BOAR!" and wait for the shooting to start. Then I'll have you mounted so the high school football team can rub your snout for good luck

Winnie

Angie, your daughter's stinking drunk.

Carmen

I sure 'yam, but what else is there to do here except drink? Unless you want to make out with some tramp behind the Canyon Mart. [sees Lil' Bit] Hey, you're here!

George

Our kids didn't get in this alone. Somebody gave my son a hickey and somebody gave my 15-year-old daughter beer.

Carmen

You can get it anywhere around here, Dad. Everybody drinks and nobody cards you.

Winnie

I'll have you know my oldest son has never had alcohol.

Carmen

Pot head!

Winnie

So that's where the ice cream is going.

George

[to Benny] Just find the end of a pencil and hop on it, troll!

You know, when I was a kid, I got a black eye for Christmas and I said thank you.

Carmen

Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car? [Benny laughs] Okay, Dad. How old were you when Grandma got you a car? [George and Benny both laugh] Okay, okay. None of you got cars, but aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?

Carmen

I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George

I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

Jason

I haven't even brought it up.

George

Don't lie to me.

Jason

I'm not. I swear.

George

Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?

Jason

[in an excited tone] Really, she asked for birth control? No way! [George gives him a look] No way you should allow her to have those. No.

George

So this wasn't your idea?

Jason

Look, Mr. Lopez. I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is, all right? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me back.

George

Damn! So it was her idea. All this time, I've been worried about boys pressuring her. I even told her all the tricks that guys would use to get her in bed. Oh, my God, I gave her a playbook! No matter what she says, nobody likes to just lie there naked and hug.

Angie

[about Tammy taking a pregnancy test] The test was positive, but she's not. There were a few guys right before him.

And Ernie was the prize?! What sideshow must have been going on in her bedroom?

George

Mom, are you pregnant?

Screw you! The one day I go without my control tops and I got to hear lip from my kid!

George

I think Ernie needs to know before he shows up in the delivery room and there's four other guys there with camcorders.

George

[to Carmen when Max complains about his braces] You're just jealous we fixed his problem, but we can't fix the problem with your legs.

Carmen

What's wrong with my legs?

George

Nothing if they come with coleslaw and biscuits, chicken legs!

Kids learn how to deal with pain from watching their parents. Do either of you overreact to the slightest discomfort?

George

Hey, I know pain. I had to deal with being abandoned by my father and not being abandoned by my mother.

Linda

[to George] What are my real mother and father like?

George

Well, our father's easy. He ran out on Mom before you were born. I didn't know him, but I tracked him down last year. I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney and he died.

Linda

And my mother?

George

Oh, yeah. She's kind of hard to describe in just a few words. She's a short, bitter, drunk. Actually, that covers it.

Linda

[after finding out she was adopted] I woke up this morning and I was the only child of two loving, Italian parents. Now it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm a Mexican.