You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.
Then go get it.
You don't mean that.
Yeah, I do, because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[to George] If you can't afford to buy Mom the ring, why don't you just tell her the truth?
Max, someday you'll meet a woman and you will disappoint her. You'll lie and you'll feel bad, and that's how you know it's love. Now say goodbye to your bike and go do your homework.
[Vic arrives in the backyard and George gets his attention]
Hey, Vic.
Ah.
Hold up. [goes into the garage and gets a putter] Hey, man, I know you're having trouble with your game. How would you like my lucky putter?
I can't just take your lucky putter, George, come on.
You're right, give me $1,000.
$1,000? What's going on? Money problems again?
Angie picked out this ring I can't afford, and she thinks I'm gonna get it for her.
George, George. A ring means nothing. I gave my wife a three-carat stone. But that didn't stop her from cheating on me. She even threw the ring at me during counseling when I called her a mattress-hopping whore frog. In Spanish, that is devastating.
You know, it's horrible when a marriage falls apart. Hey, did you keep that ring?
Yeah. I'm gonna use it to scratch "fornicator" on her coffin. So the devil knows which line to put her in.
Look, Vic, that ring obviously has a lot of bad memories for you, but if you gave it to me, and I give it to Angie, that would make your daughter happy. That would make a good memory.
But, she would know it's her mother's ring?
No, no, she won't. I'll take the stone-- I'll put it in a new setting.
Ah.
Hey, hey, hey. When we got married, we couldn't afford a decent wedding, and you didn't help us. This would make up for that 100 times over.
[Vic thinks for a minute]
Okay, George. Because it will make my daughter happy, I will give you the ring.
Oh, man. Thanks, Vic. This means a lot to me.
And I will take the putter, your table saw, and your power drill.
[sits down] Deal.
I'm not finished. [taps George's left shoe with the putter] What size shoe are you?
[George goes into the kitchen and Vic closes the patio door]
Change of plans, don't give her the ring.
What? I just gave it to her. What do you think this was about, that shirt?
You got me this for Christmas.
Hey. [does a thumbs up] What's going on?
Well, last night, I did something very stupid. I went to Happy Hour at Baja Beach, and you know, they got those giant margaritas.
Get to the point.
Well, I was drunk. So I called Angie's mother and told her I gave her diamond to a younger woman.
What?!
Oh, the whole bar cheered for me, man. [does a crazy dance and chanting] Whore frog! Whore frog! Whore frog!
Vic!
Sorry, George. Legally, the ring is hers from the settlement that she demanded it back.
Oh, man, the ring is Angie's now. Tell Emilina you lost it, tha-tha-tha-that someone stole it.
Hey. If I don't give that ring back to Emilina, I would have to pay her $30,000.
Good. You stay calm, you came up with the solution. Nice work, Vic.
George. I have no choice. If you don't tell her, I will have to.
[to George] You saw me in my dress before I hid, didn't you? That's when the bad luck started!
Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever [Benny walks by coughing] A window just opened!
[about homeschooling Carmen] Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.
But homeschooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank god she's gone!"? You won't have that anymore!
[to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.
Am I really that annoying?
Let's not go there while you're down.
(as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am, Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, "The Young and the Rustless." [laughs]
DDoctor
(in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.
(as Herman) It should be. It won the Kentucky Derby.
(as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney just like the doctor says.
[to Max] I know middle school can be tough, but remember bullies are just friends who don't realize how special you are.
What kind of crap are you teaching him?! No wonder kids of all races are coming together to beat up Max!
[As Angie tries to prevent Max from doing a dangerous skateboarding trick in the backyard with his friends]
[to Max] You remember the song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings] "You can still be rad with a helmet and some elbow pads."
Órale, Angie. You know what other song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings in the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel"] "Shut up, shut up. You're making it worse. Now meet me in the kitchen."
Last year, Max waited up for Santa. This year, he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.
[about her daughter] Do you know why I call her Lil' Bit? Cuz she's just my little bit of heaven.
LBLil' Bit
[to Angie] Nice to meet you, ma'am.
(to Carmen and Max) You hear that? She calls your mother "ma'am" and not just cause she's old, but out of respect too.
LBLil' Bit
[to Max] You know why they call me Lil' Bit? I won't do everything, but I'll do a lil' bit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's George Lopez pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.