I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time. Wind-drying Peking ducks.
Right.
Sorry, I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.
Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away while I make us a nice cup of tea.
S1 E1Episode 1
Look, the truth is, nothing happened. She doesn't fancy me. She was just trying to save my soul.
What a bitch.
Yeah, I thought so. It was going quite well until she mentioned that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap that ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
So, she tricked you?
[Kingsley shrugs.]
[Josie angrily marches back to the girl.]
You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.
CGChristian girl
Sorry?
Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, yeah, just because you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd.
I think it's more like they target power brokers—you know, like opinion informers.
CGChristian girl
He was very interesting!
No, he was not. You snared him in because—because—well, because you're hot, and that's a fact. And I don't find you hot, but the fact is that you are hot. [slams her leaflet down] So there you go. Fuck you!
S1 E2Episode 2
Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish: vegetable munge.
Sounds… disappointing.
No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.
[Josie rolls her eyes and continues cooking.]
So, this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?
I can't believe none of you have a car. Nothing. Not even a Fiat Panda. [handing his bags to Howard] Take these.
I notice that you don't have a car.
Uh, wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1. I just can't drive it at the moment, because I've got points on my licence. Because apparently I was speeding. Apparently I was drunk.
Students who drive cars are dicks.
[nervously] Er, yeah! Why?
'Cause they're not students. You got a car and a sat nav. You're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.
Argh! My shoelaces keep coming undone!
My shoes are not to your liking? I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them.
Could you take my bag?
[Vod takes the bag and tucks under her arm, squeezing it a little. As she does so, there is the unmistakeable "beep-beep" of a car alarm being armed. Startled, she squeezes it again, switching off the alarm. Oregon nervously looks up towards a car whose lights are flashing]
Oh, that must've been my car keys. Oh, yeah! I've got a car!
[uncomfortably, as she remembers her earlier comment] Oh. Right.
Oh, my God, I totally forgot I had a car! How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car!
[Oregon walks up to the car and hugs it. Josie and Vod share looks of concern]
Maybe I'm all intersex, and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about. Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me, having a penis I didn't even know about. Woke up a few times on my year off having had a penis I didn't know about.
[Paul Lamb throws a weight out of his window; it hits Oregon's car bonnet]
My car! [catches herself] Cool. 'Cause it's my dad's. The dick.
S1 E3Episode 3
SProfessor Shales
Essays due in week five. Don't leave it all until the night before is my advice to you. Not that you've listened to it, or indeed noticed that I am still talking.
[contemplating Howard and Vod's date] Poor Vod. Poor Howard. Poor Vod.
[JP enters.]
Josie. Hey, um, can I ask you something? Erm, you know when you and I, er—when I, er—when I did you—I, um, I didn't, er, rape you, did I?
No!
Rape is a grey area.
I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance it was definitely… consensual.
I hate you. I hate that you're on the other side of the wall. I hate the wall. I wish there was no wall. But then, if there was no wall, then we'd just be in bed together. What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man?
[Kinglsey jumps up and mimes pressing up against a wall]
Wall, or man. Wall.
[Kinglsey takes a step back, darts forward, then falls backward, as if he's just run into a wall. He lies on the stage, unconscious.]
S1 E4Episode 4
Well, um, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, when my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.
Yeah, I don't think we should play this game any more.
Right, there's nothing bad about it!
I don't think I want to hear this.
He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth!
[Everyone else groans.]
What? She wasn't a munter, she was dockside fine!
Do you not want to talk about it?
Talk about what?
How you lost your virginity?
It was a true story.
Yeah, I know, it's just—you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?
What issues?
A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?
Josie—
Plus, a caravan site. What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?
Josie, we don't need to do anything because what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but we never actually—
Oh? So, why did you say you did?
[Kingsley shrugs.]
Oh. Blimey. Ooh. Erm. Aww. Kingsley.
What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.
It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?
Why would I tell my parents?
Just because of my mum, I never got a chance to do it. And she—
Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like, "Is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. You know what I mean?
No.
No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.
[Josie rushes into Vod and Oregon's bathroom.]
Kingsley's a virgin!
[Vod and Oregon look at her in shock.]
So, there must be some sort of uni health club or something. I mean, you work out, right?
GGirl
No. Pretty unfit.
Not from where I'm standing. [winks]
I can't do exercise, 'cause I've got severe athlete's foot.
[the girls look disgusted; JP cringes]
I think of it as the very definition of irony.
Would you excuse us, ladies?
[to Howard] What are you doing!? They don't want to hear about your fucking foot!
I'm just being myself.
Why the fuck would you want to do that!? That is literally the most stupid thing I have ever heard! I'm here to teach you how to be a real person!
RRalph
"The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country?"
Peru.
[to Ralph] Dunno mate. So, I was thinking maybe of going to see Ross's DJ set. You up for it?
RRalph
China, India, Malaysia, or Peru.
Peru!
RRalph
Was, mate. Meant to be a large one. Only last dude setting us up with upperclass As has got meningitis. Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy, but dude, keep it real!
Well, I mean, if you need any shit, I could always pick it up for you?
RRalph
For reals?
Yeah, totes, bruv. Whatever you want.
RRalph
Fuck it. I'm gonna say "Peru".
QMQuiz machine
Correct answer!
RRalph
Yeah, baby, I'm a ge-ni-us! Well, if you're serious…
[Ralph produces a list for JP.]
RRalph
We want the lot. Everything on there. "The ring ouzel is a type of what bird?"
[after a pause] Duck.
Yep. Cool! No probers.
RRalph
That would be a duck!
QMQuiz machine
Incorrect answer!
RRalph
What the fuck!?
[Howard smiles maliciously.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fresh Meat pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.