Fresh Meat · Season 1, Episode 4
Well, um, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, when my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.
Yeah, I don't think we should play this game any more.
Right, there's nothing bad about it!
I don't think I want to hear this.
He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth!
[Everyone else groans.]
What? She wasn't a munter, she was dockside fine!
Do you not want to talk about it?
Talk about what?
How you lost your virginity?
It was a true story.
Yeah, I know, it's just—you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?
What issues?
A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?
Josie—
Plus, a caravan site. What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?
Josie, we don't need to do anything because what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but we never actually—
Oh? So, why did you say you did?
[Kingsley shrugs.]
Oh. Blimey. Ooh. Erm. Aww. Kingsley.
What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.
It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?
Why would I tell my parents?
Just because of my mum, I never got a chance to do it. And she—
Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like, "Is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. You know what I mean?
No.
No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.
[Josie rushes into Vod and Oregon's bathroom.]
Kingsley's a virgin!
[Vod and Oregon look at her in shock.]
So, there must be some sort of uni health club or something. I mean, you work out, right?
No. Pretty unfit.
Not from where I'm standing. [winks]
I can't do exercise, 'cause I've got severe athlete's foot.
[the girls look disgusted; JP cringes]
I think of it as the very definition of irony.
Would you excuse us, ladies?
[to Howard] What are you doing!? They don't want to hear about your fucking foot!
I'm just being myself.
Why the fuck would you want to do that!? That is literally the most stupid thing I have ever heard! I'm here to teach you how to be a real person!
"The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country?"
Peru.
[to Ralph] Dunno mate. So, I was thinking maybe of going to see Ross's DJ set. You up for it?
China, India, Malaysia, or Peru.
Peru!
Was, mate. Meant to be a large one. Only last dude setting us up with upperclass As has got meningitis. Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy, but dude, keep it real!
Well, I mean, if you need any shit, I could always pick it up for you?
For reals?
Yeah, totes, bruv. Whatever you want.
Fuck it. I'm gonna say "Peru".
Correct answer!
Yeah, baby, I'm a ge-ni-us! Well, if you're serious…
[Ralph produces a list for JP.]
We want the lot. Everything on there. "The ring ouzel is a type of what bird?"
[after a pause] Duck.
Yep. Cool! No probers.
That would be a duck!
Incorrect answer!
What the fuck!?
[Howard smiles maliciously.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fresh Meat pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
