KingsleyI hate you. I hate that you're on the other side of the wall. I hate the wall. I wish there was no wall. But then, if there was no wall, then we'd just be in bed together. What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man?
[Kinglsey jumps up and mimes pressing up against a wall]
Kingsley
Wall, or man. Wall.
[Kinglsey takes a step back, darts forward, then falls backward, as if he's just run into a wall. He lies on the stage, unconscious.]
Kingsley
Look, the truth is, nothing happened. She doesn't fancy me. She was just trying to save my soul.
Kingsley
Yeah, I thought so. It was going quite well until she mentioned that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap that ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
[Kingsley shrugs.]
[Josie angrily marches back to the girl.]
You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, yeah, just because you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd.
Kingsley
I think it's more like they target power brokers—you know, like opinion informers.
CGChristian girl
He was very interesting!
No, he was not. You snared him in because—because—well, because you're hot, and that's a fact. And I don't find you hot, but the fact is that you are hot. [slams her leaflet down] So there you go. Fuck you!
Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish: vegetable munge.
Kingsley
Sounds… disappointing.
No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.
[Josie rolls her eyes and continues cooking.]
Kingsley
So, this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?
Do you not want to talk about it?
Kingsley
Talk about what?
How you lost your virginity?
Kingsley
It was a true story.
Yeah, I know, it's just—you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?
Kingsley
What issues?
A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?
Kingsley
Josie—
Plus, a caravan site. What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?
Kingsley
Josie, we don't need to do anything because what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but we never actually—
Oh? So, why did you say you did?
[Kingsley shrugs.]
Oh. Blimey. Ooh. Erm. Aww. Kingsley.
Kingsley
What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.
It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Kingsley
It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?
Why would I tell my parents?
Kingsley
Just because of my mum, I never got a chance to do it. And she—
Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like, "Is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. You know what I mean?
Kingsley
No.
No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.
[Josie rushes into Vod and Oregon's bathroom.]
[Vod and Oregon look at her in shock.]
I've thought of some names [for our new band].
Kingsley
Oh. Uh, yeah, great.
Kingsley
Too American.
Kingsley
Too pretentious.
Kingsley
That makes us sound like dwarves.
Kingsley
That makes us sound like fellwalkers.
Kingsley
Just rubbish.
High Jinx? Jinx with an x.
Kingsley
Again: rubbish.
Kingsley
Too medieval.
Kingsley
Derivative.
Kingsley
No Thes.
Kingsley
No colours.
Kingsley
And no animals.
Sure, I don't think this is going to work out.
Kingsley
Oh, come on, don't be so precious.
Kingsley
I can get another ticket to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I thought—bit of a novelty—you might like to come?
Yeah, um, I dunno, because you know I don't like your music.
Kingsley
Yeah—just give it a try! Have a listen. What do you think?
Kingsley
It's only just started.
Er! I still don't like it.
Kingsley
Wait till the chorus kicks in.
Kingsley
Why don't you like it?!
It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.
Kingsley
Um, let me play you another track.
Yeah, OK, this is better.
Kingsley
See?
Kingsley
I'm the guy who listens to "I'm Ready" by Royal Trux when he gets fucked up on Jack, but then—
R6Radio 6 Music interviewer
Right, yes! Now I remember, yeah. Yeah, I asked what music you liked, and you were talking for about half an hour. And I couldn't really work out what your answer was. It was all like, "Oh, I don't really believe in genres." But all I wanted to know was: Do you like U2, or do you not?
Kingsley
I'm sorry, I don't really understand the question.
Fresh Meat · 30 quotes
