Josie quotes from Fresh Meat

Josie

Howard, you're killing the vibe. Maybe you could hoover up your dreams in the morning? Or, put your dick in the vacuum and I'll squirt tequila in your mouth.

Kingsley

Look, the truth is, nothing happened. She doesn't fancy me. She was just trying to save my soul.

Josie

What a bitch.

Kingsley

Yeah, I thought so. It was going quite well until she mentioned that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap that ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.

Josie

So, she tricked you?

Josie

You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Sorry?

Josie

Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, yeah, just because you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd.

Kingsley

I think it's more like they target power brokers—you know, like opinion informers.

He was very interesting!

Josie

No, he was not. You snared him in because—because—well, because you're hot, and that's a fact. And I don't find you hot, but the fact is that you are hot. [slams her leaflet down] So there you go. Fuck you!

Josie

Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish: vegetable munge.

Kingsley

Sounds… disappointing.

JP

No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.

Kingsley

So, this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?

JP

I can't believe none of you have a car. Nothing. Not even a Fiat Panda. [handing his bags to Howard] Take these.

Josie

I notice that you don't have a car.

JP

Uh, wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1. I just can't drive it at the moment, because I've got points on my licence. Because apparently I was speeding. Apparently I was drunk.

Vod

Students who drive cars are dicks.

Oregon

[nervously] Er, yeah! Why?

Vod

'Cause they're not students. You got a car and a sat nav. You're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

Josie

[contemplating Howard and Vod's date] Poor Vod. Poor Howard. Poor Vod.

JP

Josie. Hey, um, can I ask you something? Erm, you know when you and I, er—when I, er—when I did you—I, um, I didn't, er, rape you, did I?

Josie

No!

JP

Rape is a grey area.

Josie

I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance it was definitely… consensual.

JP

Well, um, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, when my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.

Josie

Yeah, I don't think we should play this game any more.

JP

Right, there's nothing bad about it!

Oregon

I don't think I want to hear this.

JP

He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth!

JP

What? She wasn't a munter, she was dockside fine!

Josie

Do you not want to talk about it?

Kingsley

Talk about what?

Josie

How you lost your virginity?

Kingsley

It was a true story.

Josie

Yeah, I know, it's just—you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?

Kingsley

What issues?

Josie

A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?

Kingsley

Josie—

Josie

Plus, a caravan site. What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?

Kingsley

Josie, we don't need to do anything because what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but we never actually—

Josie

Oh? So, why did you say you did?

Josie

Oh. Blimey. Ooh. Erm. Aww. Kingsley.

Kingsley

What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.

Josie

It is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Kingsley

It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?

Josie

Why would I tell my parents?

Kingsley

Just because of my mum, I never got a chance to do it. And she—

Josie

Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like, "Is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. You know what I mean?

Kingsley

No.

Josie

No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.

Josie

Kingsley's a virgin!

Josie

Just so you don't hear it secondhand, I wanted you to know that I've been kicked off my course. I'm officially no longer a student.

JP

Fuck my mouth! But, what happens now?

Josie

Well, right now I'm going to make some more crumbles; then I'm going on a five-mile ramble to Healey Dell; and then later this afternoon I'm going zorbing.

JP

Zorbing?

Josie

Yeah. They put you in a big plastic hamster ball, and then push you down a hill. So, if you're asking "Do I miss dentistry?": crumbles, rambles, zorbing.

That's Dean doing the ironing, Harry's setting the table, and that's Rob making breakfast.

Josie

Wow! Look at this place! It's like fucking Narnia!

Kingsley

I can get another ticket to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I thought—bit of a novelty—you might like to come?

Josie

Yeah, um, I dunno, because you know I don't like your music.

Kingsley

Yeah—just give it a try! Have a listen. What do you think?

Josie

I don't like it.

Kingsley

It's only just started.

Josie

Er! I still don't like it.

Kingsley

Wait till the chorus kicks in.

Josie

I don't like it.

Kingsley

Why don't you like it?!

Josie

It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.

Kingsley

Um, let me play you another track.

Josie

Yeah, OK, this is better.

Kingsley

See?

Josie

But, I don't like it.

Josie

That's the secret to good boozing: a sweet spot, the magic mark where your worries have gone, but your faculties haven't. And boom! You're one chipper chappy.

Howard

Right. And how much would that normally require?

Josie

In my experience, it's almost always £25, no matter what you buy.

Josie

Also, I need a new nickname.

Howard

"The Idiot"?

JP

Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't be going out, but we'd sort of be seeing each other.

Josie

Sure, uh, yeah, but I—I'm super easy.

JP

Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs.

Josie

Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes!

JP

Exactly.

Josie

Try it on for size, see where it pinches. Yeah, that—that sounds good.

JP

Great.

JP

Isn't this just great. You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper.