JP quotes from Fresh Meat

Josie

Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish: vegetable munge.

Kingsley

Sounds… disappointing.

JP

No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.

Kingsley

So, this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?

JP

I can't believe none of you have a car. Nothing. Not even a Fiat Panda. [handing his bags to Howard] Take these.

Josie

I notice that you don't have a car.

JP

Uh, wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1. I just can't drive it at the moment, because I've got points on my licence. Because apparently I was speeding. Apparently I was drunk.

Vod

Students who drive cars are dicks.

Oregon

[nervously] Er, yeah! Why?

Vod

'Cause they're not students. You got a car and a sat nav. You're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

Josie

[contemplating Howard and Vod's date] Poor Vod. Poor Howard. Poor Vod.

JP

Josie. Hey, um, can I ask you something? Erm, you know when you and I, er—when I, er—when I did you—I, um, I didn't, er, rape you, did I?

Josie

No!

JP

Rape is a grey area.

Josie

I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance it was definitely… consensual.

JP

Well, um, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, when my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.

Josie

Yeah, I don't think we should play this game any more.

JP

Right, there's nothing bad about it!

Oregon

I don't think I want to hear this.

JP

He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth!

JP

What? She wasn't a munter, she was dockside fine!

JP

So, there must be some sort of uni health club or something. I mean, you work out, right?

No. Pretty unfit.

JP

Not from where I'm standing. [winks]

Howard

I can't do exercise, 'cause I've got severe athlete's foot.

Howard

I think of it as the very definition of irony.

JP

Would you excuse us, ladies?

JP

[to Howard] What are you doing!? They don't want to hear about your fucking foot!

Howard

I'm just being myself.

JP

Why the fuck would you want to do that!? That is literally the most stupid thing I have ever heard! I'm here to teach you how to be a real person!

"The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country?"

Howard

Peru.

JP

[to Ralph] Dunno mate. So, I was thinking maybe of going to see Ross's DJ set. You up for it?

China, India, Malaysia, or Peru.

Howard

Peru!

Was, mate. Meant to be a large one. Only last dude setting us up with upperclass As has got meningitis. Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy, but dude, keep it real!

JP

Well, I mean, if you need any shit, I could always pick it up for you?

For reals?

JP

Yeah, totes, bruv. Whatever you want.

Fuck it. I'm gonna say "Peru".

Correct answer!

Yeah, baby, I'm a ge-ni-us! Well, if you're serious…

We want the lot. Everything on there. "The ring ouzel is a type of what bird?"

Howard

[after a pause] Duck.

JP

Yep. Cool! No probers.

That would be a duck!

Incorrect answer!

What the fuck!?

Josie

Just so you don't hear it secondhand, I wanted you to know that I've been kicked off my course. I'm officially no longer a student.

JP

Fuck my mouth! But, what happens now?

Josie

Well, right now I'm going to make some more crumbles; then I'm going on a five-mile ramble to Healey Dell; and then later this afternoon I'm going zorbing.

JP

Zorbing?

Josie

Yeah. They put you in a big plastic hamster ball, and then push you down a hill. So, if you're asking "Do I miss dentistry?": crumbles, rambles, zorbing.

Kingsley

JP, I'm not standing on the same stage as you.

JP

Mate, why the frick not?

Kingsley

Because, you've got that whole James Blunt vibe going on.

JP

What the hell is wrong with Blunters?

JP

Hey, Vod. I'm just going door to door and wondered whether—quick cuddle?

Vod

Christ on a bendy bus, JP. Has it really come to this?

Kingsley

… Josie's got shit taste [in music]: She likes Mumford & Sons.

JP

What's wrong with Mumford & Sons? I love Mumford & Sons: They're perfect for drinking cider to. First Blunters, now Mumfers. Is nothing sacred?

JP

You are not allowed to have sex with Tomothy.

Oregon

Why not?

JP

Because of a little something called the institution of marriage, and a little organisation called the Church of fucking England.

JP

Oh, everything's fine for you: you've got a job. Look at you: strutting around with your tea towel and your corkscrew like Deborah fucking Meaden.

Oregon

For the record, JP, I'm in a slightly different Venn, given that I'm union president—and I'm launching an amazing new poetry prize that's going to inspire and energise all of us. I mean, I'm not rubbing it in or anything, but my C.V. is basically bomb-proof.

JP

Whereas mine'll look like a poster for a lost dog.

Kingsley

What are we gonna do? We can't just hang around London on the off chance that we bump into him.

JP

I knew we should have put a tag on him: "Please look after this Howard".

JP

Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't be going out, but we'd sort of be seeing each other.

Josie

Sure, uh, yeah, but I—I'm super easy.

JP

Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs.

Josie

Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes!

JP

Exactly.

Josie

Try it on for size, see where it pinches. Yeah, that—that sounds good.

JP

Great.

JP

Isn't this just great. You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper.