Bill Haverchuck quotes from Freaks and Geeks

Bill

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone on my bionic ear. That's--that's better. No, don't talk so loud! Don't forget, I've got bionic hearing.

Bill

Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts.

Bill

I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.

Bill

[after Maureen changed the menu to read "Pan Fried Butts"] How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

Bill

Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poophead. You love patting boys butts. You love patting boys butts, butt. You butt patter. You're a perv, and a loser, and a stinky turd.

Sam

What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill

It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal

Alcohol?

Bill

Yeah.

Neal

What is wrong with them? Why do they think that hitting people with towels is so funny?

Bill

If it wasn't us, it would be kind of funny.

Bill

Stop looking up my shorts.

Neal

Why would we? There's nothing to see.

Sam

Just keep climbing, Wonder Woman.

Bill

There is something to see.

Neal

My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.

Bill

But you're not funny.

Neal

Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Sam

Cindy is not abnormal.

Bill

Yeah? She cut the cheese.

Neal

Oh my God.

Sam

That's not funny.

Bill

I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.

Sam

Well, some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?

Bill

I don't know. Vinyl?

Sam

Vinyl chairs always squeak.

Bill

It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Neal

Being the school mascot has always been my dream.

Bill

Yeah. Since lunch.

Neal

Oh my god! I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.

Bill

It's a Parisian night suit in case you didn't know.

A Parisian! Ooh la la!

Neal

It's not a Parisian. It's a jumpsuit. My grandfather in Florida wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

Sam

Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried.

Bill

Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone.

Neal

I'm just going to have my coffee now.

Bill

Is that before or after you shave?

Neal

Tell you one thing, when I get married, I'm never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.

Bill

I'd be happy just to get a wife. I don't think I want the kind that's gonna get old and fat.

Sam

I don't even know how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?