Sam Weir quotes from Freaks and Geeks

Harold

I had a friend who used to smoke. Know what he's doing now? He's dead. You think smoking looks cool, let's go dig him up and see how cool he looks now.

Harold

You know, there was a girl in our school... and she had premarital sex. Know what she did on her graduation day? Died! Of a heroin overdose!

Sam

Dad? Are any of your friends alive?

Harold

The smart ones.

Harold

I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

Sam

No. But he died on the toilet.

Harold

Well, that's paradise compared to where the Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

Sam

What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill

It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal

Alcohol?

Bill

Yeah.

Sam

Keg of beer, please.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Neal

Oh, we need a keg of non-alcoholic beer.

No!

Sam

But we need it.

What for?

Neal

We're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.

Righteous!

Sam

Keg of beer, please.

Don't see that happening.

Neal

Oh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.

Oh, really? No!

Sam

Please? We really need it!

What for?

Neal

We're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.

Righteous!

Sam

What am I supposed to do with a porno?

Neal

You watch it. Over and over.

Sam

Ew, only perverts watch pornos, right?

Neal

Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.

Sam

Will girls ever like us?

Neal

I think our best play is to go for the smart, sexy librarian type.

Bill

Stop looking up my shorts.

Neal

Why would we? There's nothing to see.

Sam

Just keep climbing, Wonder Woman.

Bill

There is something to see.

Sam

So this is what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She is your best friend, she is beautiful, you can say and do anything in front of her.

Neal

Well, my dad always says that's what something what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in.

Sam

Cindy is not abnormal.

Bill

Yeah? She cut the cheese.

Neal

Oh my God.

Sam

That's not funny.

Bill

I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.

Sam

Well, some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?

Bill

I don't know. Vinyl?

Sam

Vinyl chairs always squeak.

Bill

It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd?

Sam

Yeah.

Well I don't.

Sam

Really?

It's more like an obsession.

Sam

Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?

Neal

Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.

Sam

Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried.

Bill

Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone.

Neal

Tell you one thing, when I get married, I'm never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.

Bill

I'd be happy just to get a wife. I don't think I want the kind that's gonna get old and fat.

Sam

I don't even know how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?

Sam

It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.

Neal

I'd kill to be that bored.