Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?

Niles

You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

Roz

I think she left, I see her coat on the hatrack.

Niles

Wait... look closer, is the hatrack moving?

Roz

OH MY GOD!

Frasier

You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.

Niles

I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.

Frasier

What on God's earth are you talking about?

Daphne

I think what he means is: you're the girl!

Roz

I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz Expressway”.

Niles

I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

Niles

Do you know what that means?

Frasier

(ruefully) Yes! We’re going to hear what Mendelssohn’s Wedding March sounds like on the banjo!

Frasier

(Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)

Martin

(Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)

Niles

I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.

Martin

Geez- I don't need to hear that!

Niles

No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.

Frasier

It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

Niles

The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)

Frasier

Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)

Niles

You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)

Frasier

Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)

Niles

All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)

Martin

Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Frasier

Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.

Martin

Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?

Niles

Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Frasier

(shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

Martin

We're desperate!

Frasier

We're ludicrous!

Niles

We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)

Niles

I grant you, she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be - stupid?

Frasier

Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.

Niles

Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in Pygmalion.

Frasier

Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.

Niles

Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.

Frasier

Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!

Niles

Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!

Lilith

My God! What did we do? What did we do?

Niles

Well, first you put your...

Lilith

I know what we did! What do we do now?!

Niles

Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every day... (losing it) every day in Arkansas! Frasier is going to kill us! Oh, why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

Lilith

Why did you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

Niles

Oh, there's no point pointing fingers. We both know why this happened; last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness, confusion and...

Lilith

Tequila shooters.

Niles

(moaning) Mmm-hmm.

Niles

(whispering) Who's that?!

Lilith

Don't panic, no one knows we're here.

Niles

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

Lilith

(panicked, whispering) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?!

Niles

Well, it wasn't stupid at the time! How did I know the minute we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse!

Niles

It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

Martin

Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?

Frasier

No, but I'd like to give it a try.

Niles

[regarding their aunt Zora] Don't you remember the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?

Frasier

I have never believed that! She would have been five years old at the time!

Niles

That's why the legends says they were strangled with jump-ropes.

Frasier

Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?

Niles

Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.

Frasier

My suggestion exactly.

Niles

Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.

Frasier

Certainly worked for the dealer.

Niles

I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.

Frasier

Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Martin

Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?

Niles

Well... (closes the door)

Frasier

Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. (Martin returns) Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?