Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

Feel like a new man?

Niles

I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Niles

You see what's happening here?

Frasier

Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

Niles

[about his new pet bird] She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.

Martin

Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

Niles

I asked Maris.

Daphne

Sap.

Frasier

I think Daphne speaks for us all.

Frasier

So you see the problem?

Niles

I certainly do!

Frasier

No, that's your problem!

Frasier

(in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.

Martin

Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.

Frasier

Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

Niles

So we can stop wondering.

Frasier

My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!

Niles

I think I feel a furball coming up.

Daphne

[about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.

Niles

Nonsense!

Daphne

And that I'm too picky.

Niles

Poppycock!

Daphne

And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...

Niles

Just to play devil's advocate...

Daphne

Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

Niles

(shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…

Martin

You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!

Daphne

He was a detective, you know(!)

Niles

Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. (switches lines) Hello?

Frasier

(using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!

Niles

Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?

Frasier

(glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

Daphne

I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.

Niles

Well, we all have to die of something.

Frasier

I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.

Niles

Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Niles

Doesn't he realize how outlandish it all sounds?

Martin

Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!

Martin

I thought you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.

Niles

Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!

Martin

Who the hell's that?

Niles

He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.

Martin

Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!