A character in Frasier
Played by David Hyde Pierce
Frasier · 546 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Frasier: in 235 of its 546 quotes
Most scenes with: Frasier Crane (131), Martin Crane (35), Daphne Moon (25)
[Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview]
He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden première of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles(panics) And you left him alone?!
[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]
NilesI'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
[sarcastically] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
NilesWell, I'll be a son of a bitch.
Niles, there is another way.
NilesYou don't mean...
Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.
NilesYou can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
Niles, what other choice do we have?
NilesBut the indignity, it reeks of desperation.
Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.
NilesWhat did he think we were talking about?
[Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the intermission]
NilesI haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.
Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.
[Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie]
Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
NilesYou mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
(pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
Niles tells how he returned Maris's gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over
NilesShe didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
You know, they got a cream for that.
Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles
NilesI'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
And I won't be!
Niles has made an emergency stop in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone
NilesDad, come quickly! I need your help.
Oh, my God! What is it?
NilesI need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some aspirin
Niles(reads the box) This aspirin's expired.
Well, it wasn't when I found it.
Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat
NilesMy wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!
NilesDad, have you seen Frasier's frittata pan?
(looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.
Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade
NilesL'Chaim! Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
[quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.
This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him
Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
NilesOh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…
Niles! [mouths] Half that!
Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne
NilesObviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
Well, sure I have.
NilesI'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.
The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to
NilesThis is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.
(sarcastic) Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
Frasier CraneKelsey Grammer · 372 quotes
Martin CraneJohn Mahoney · 109 quotes
Daphne MoonJane Leeves · 77 quotes
Roz DoylePeri Gilpin · 75 quotes
Lilith SterninBebe Neuwirth · 12 quotes
BulldogDan Butler · 8 quotes
BebeHarriet Sansom Harris · 5 quotes
GilEdward Hibbert · 4 quotes
HarryBrian Cox · 4 quotes
KirbyBrian Klugman · 4 quotes
CharlotteLaura Linney · 3 quotes
CChelsea3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.