Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?

Frasier

Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Frasier

Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.

Niles

I can't help it. Have you read this?

Frasier

I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.

Frasier

You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Martin

What did Frasier say about his old man? The father. The cop.

He told me you were dead.

Martin

Dead?

Frasier

We just had a fight that day. I was mad.

You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.

Frasier

You were dead! What did it matter?!

Frasier

I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.

Niles

And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

Niles

Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."

Frasier

You just made that up, didn't you?

Niles

Yes, but I stand by it.

Martin

Hey, I know how to take a bullet.

Frasier

Oh, yes. That's just what your personality needsː another bulletǃ

Frasier

So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?

Daphne

Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Martin

Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.

Frasier

Yes, but are they wealthy students?

Martin

[sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Schweinhund! [draws his sword]

Niles

Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!

Frasier

Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.

Frasier

Is this what you do when I'm not at home?

Daphne

Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying!

Frasier

You wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"

Daphne

I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.

Frasier

My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!

Daphne

I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.

Frasier

Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?

Daphne

Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!

Frasier

Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves Placenta!"

Frasier

All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!

Niles

Wait, wait! What?

Frasier

I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!

Niles

Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?

Frasier

How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Niles

How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?

Frasier

Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exiting world of food service.

Niles

Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!

Frasier

You are not scaring me...the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!