Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.

Frasier

My guess is she finally made it!

Roz

Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!

Frasier

[sheepish] It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.

Why are you gunning for me?

Frasier

Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.

No, no. This is about your ego, which is the size of Seattle!

Daphne

It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.

Frasier

How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

Bulldog

Doc, I got one thing to say to you...

Frasier

Go ahead, take your best shot.

Bulldog

I am so proud of you, man!

Frasier

Well, doesn't that put the cherry on the parfait(!)

Frasier

These are for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Do you know what this means?

Niles

Yes: the Cranes of Maine have got your 'Living Brain'!

Daphne

There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?

Frasier

“Check, please” comes to mind.

Frasier

I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.

Roz

Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.

Frasier

She's back! The scourge of my existence!

Niles

Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…

Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting left at the altar thing... I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.

Frasier

I may be able to illuminate that for you! What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hellhounds for a CHEW TOY! It's not the last time, either, because that's what this woman is: SHE IS THE DEVIL! It's no use running away from her! Because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those BONY FINGERS!! So drink hearty, Franklin, and LAUGH! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub, AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!!

Niles

He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?

Frasier

No Niles, he's probably hosting a luau, and came by to borrow our poi ramekins(!)

Niles

You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.

Frasier

Well, will you at least think about what I've said?

Niles

I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I have a very small window of opportunity.

Frasier

Niles, you know I'm right.

Niles

You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

Frasier

[shakes a finger at him] I most certainly am too!

Niles

Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

Frasier

Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.

Roz

If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

Frasier

Excuse me. Is there another copy?

Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex(!)

Frasier

Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?

Daphne

His last album sold 5 million copies.

Frasier

Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.